Source
r/OCPoetry•
Rish420

My first ever poem!

Feedback Received!

Atlas slid the sky off his shoulders splitting the skulls of the wandering souls beneath him to pursue his own life, as he had grown tired, Tired of the eternity under the sun He held his head high And said goodbye.

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Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7oiiw0/comment/ds9zaqa?st=JC3JDR2U&sh=ae416a19

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7oihat/comment/dsa0pcf?st=JC3JFJWN&sh=a7617ae5

I would love feedback :)

Posted Jan 6, 2018, 4:09 PM UTC · edited

39
ashesofstars•

I like the simplicity of your poem. I'd definitely like to read an extended version of it. I like the character developed based off of the legend of Atlas. Your word choice in certain places (like "eternity under the sun") really works!! I like how a complex emotion is captured in very few lines. I do feel like adding a little hit of imagery could make that emotion come alive, but that's just my personal view. Great read :)

2
Rish420OP•

Thank you I’ve received good feedback on this poem on other subs and I am thinking of writing a full version, shall I send it to you when I’m done? :)

1
ashesofstars•

Yeah, that'd be cool!

1
ring_ring_cello•

I really like how the first part was free form while the last two lines were rhymed. If you did make it longer, maybe you’d want to continue that format.

2
Rish420OP•

I have a longer version here it it’s!

Atlas stood, not stood up completely, neck craned, with the weight of the world upon his shoulders

He gazed upon the sea of lost souls who he wished Would offer him an eye to stare into, A soul to seep into his spirit

All of the souls, so preoccupied with their tiny lives and tiny problems All look down in ignorance, Of the titanic feat occurring above them

What did they matter to him?

Atlas shrugged, and the sky began to slip from his shoulders Atlas had already came this far so he shrugged once more Allowing the sky to split open the skulls of the souls beneath him

Atlas stood, stood up completely To pursue his own life Tired of that eternity under the sun Head held high.

1
LeazJ•

A simple yet the poem gives huge impact. Are you sure this is your first poem? I really enjoyed how you are able to convey such thoughts. The use of allusion is very interesting, at least for me, even If I don't have that much of knowledge about the source, I was able to understand it.

2
Rish420OP•

Thank you so much! and yes it actually really is my first poem and I’m so happy that people like it :)))

1
ring_ring_cello•

Although I really liked the simplicity of the first draft, this one was enjoyable to read too!

2
Rish420OP•

Thanks :)

1