Source
r/OCPoetry•
kosh112

Sultry Adultery.

Feedback Received!

Sultry adultery;

secrets under sheets.

Waking under light of moon,

sneaking past the creaks.

Sultry adultery;

to grasp what you might miss.

Hiding in the dark,

leaving with a kiss.

Sultry adultery;

feeding greed and lust.

Savor every moment,

try to get enough.

Angels never cry,

but saints and sinners do.

So take your time

to make your mind and find.

Which one are you?

Sultry adultery;

the things I'd never do.

Feedback:

1; https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7p2k8g/breakup/dsfegr3/

2; https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7p8l0g/a_shell/dsfdn4j/

(Couldn't quite get the formatting right. Hope it doesn't damage the poem that much)

Posted Jan 9, 2018, 6:56 PM UTC · edited

99
philomexa•

'Sultry adultery' seems a liiiittle too sing songy for the serious nature of the poem. Additionally, repetition is good, but 'sultry adultery' almost verges on too much repetition.

I like the scenery that is set in this piece, but the final 2 line are kind of a hard swerve of morality. As a reader I expected some manner or heartbreak, longing, or lesson learned, but the twist of the moral high ground is a bit...off putting.

The scenery is set for us to imagine (and by extension empathize with) secret lovers. There isn't a moral fiber clucking in the margins, so for the narrator to claim at the end, "...but not I", feels out of place and judgy.

Overall this is a pretty good piece, I just happen to take issue with the seemingly hard swerve of morality at the end.

3
kosh112OP•

Thanks for the feedback! When I was writing it I didn’t even think of the ending in the perspective of taking the moral high ground, but now that you’ve pointed it out I really see what you mean and how that is kind of off putting like you said. And I definitely don’t like how I repeat sultry adultery so much, I just wanted to keep the poem short and too the point and I didn’t really know how else to do it. anyways, thanks again for the feedback, I Really do appreciate it!

1
ring_ring_cello•

Alright so some people are a little more tied to what their idea of poetry is, but I was completely entertained with this and I usually dislike this type of rhyming pattern. I did feel as though the tone was lighter then quickly darkened to those last couple lines but really enjoyed the progression!

2
SCOTSIRISHLASSIE•

OH WOW! The clever double use of rhyme and meaning in the words "sultry" and adultery" is what first caught my attention. Then as I read the poem, the eloquence of the language blew me away! The words are so perfectly chosen to provide such a great visual of the topic. How did you manage to come up with such a perfect expression as, "sneaking past the creaks"? My absolute favorite!!

2
un-candid-vestibule•

I'd echo a previous commentator and say that maybe the repetition is a little bit out of place. Throughout reading I was also wondering why you'd chosen to break up your lines like you did. It also seems too "matter of fact" or kind of on the nose. How do I know if angels never cry? RE: wasnt sure if you meant angel in a metaphorical sense or a literal "angel, angel" sense.

Also the dualistic "which one are you" kind of made me ehhhhhhh.

1
kosh112OP•

Yeah I’m not overly happy with how much I used repetition as well, but it’s written now so not much I can do about it haha. For me the line “angels never cry, but saints and sinners do” was meant to be humanizing. For me, angels carry the symbolism of godly beings while saints and sinners are mere humans. And the which once are you line I meant to just be kind of engaging, to kind of like, throw the moral ethics of cheating in the readers face. But believe me, I’m really glad to be getting these different perspectives on my writing. It really makes me think about how to get points across effectively. Thank you so much for reading, and excellent feedback! :D

1
poem_from_me•

This is absolutely great....

"Savor every moment, try to get enough."

That is some good shit.

1
stygeanhugh•

I didn't see it from an empathetic view. I felt the narrator bore secret witness to and was judging the other party. The final declaration seemed less of a "things I wouldn't do" situation but more of "I know what your did" kind of thing. I like it.

1
kosh112OP•

You saw right through me.

1