I’m always open to feedback! :) looking at the second stanza and thinking about flow (just in passing, I’m not done thinking about your feedback) I noticed that the “is enough time...” is awkward and I could change it to “we have time” to keep focusing on the partnership. Thanks so much! 

Great poem, thank you for sharing it. If you’re still open to feedback... 

I’d say the first stanza is very strong. It flows very well and is effortlessly easy to read and interpret. I think the flow is uncomfortable for the reader starting at the beginning of the second stanza. 

If you want to keep the poem sweet and simple I’d say get rid of the second stanza and keep the first (which would be a wonderful poem on its own). 

If you want to keep the depth that the second stanza provides, I’d suggest working on the rhythm and flow of it (Try reading it out loud with music on in the background). I think it should be as effortless as the beat of the drum that it describes. 

Anyways, that’s my two cents, keep writing ;)

Thank you so much! I’ll have to mull over what I could do to make more of a connection between the stanzas. I hadn’t thought of that before, actually, bridging the two. 

There is something about this little poem that really captivates me. It's charming in a way; the use of Maine and its corresponding imagery as the epitome of the narrator's desired relationship is pure and almost childlike. Though I enjoy the second stanza as well, particularly the connection made between "cymbal crashes" and the "distance between stars", I would have liked to see a bit more flow between the first and second stanzas. However, I recognize that this is likely a stylistic preference on my part. Overall, this poem is lovely and I enjoy the subtlety of it. 

Yea I kind of thought that myself, about the cliche. I’ll keep tumbling my thoughts around and see if I can come up with something more original that feels good. Thanks for your feedback!!

The language in this poem is mostly great, but I think the extra o's in slow are too stylized for this piece. I think you can find a different image to land on as well because contemplating the distance between stars is nice but a tad cliche.

I think the slowing down of the word is important to the reading of the poem too. Elongating the written vowel is the only way I know to really show this. 

That’s so neat. I hadn’t really put the words “simple pleasures” to this but it actually really does fit. 

I guess I could also try s l o w to try to put emphasis on the word slow. I definitely want something to slow the reader’s inner monologue on that word. That’s how I imagine it being read and it feels important to me. 

Thanks so much for providing feedback!

I like the way you describe the "simple pleasures" of life as a way to portray the narrator's desire for a simpler life with the one he/she loves. I personally like to extra o's as a way to express the spoken sound of the written word. I think it adds to the tone of the poem and to the narrator's emotions.

I feel the emotions conveyed here. It may be short, but it is just as impactful.

    My ideal relationship?
    It's March, in Maine
    We are knee deep in mud
    Collecting rocks, 
    Looking at worms. 
    The mud pools in our boots, 
    And we laugh. 

    We move to the beat of our own drum.
    And that drum's tempo?
    Is slooow.
    Between cymbal cashes
    Is enough time to contemplate the distance between stars. 
    And we do.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7pym0o/thirst/dsl0ipo/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7pt83i/why/dskzytz/



Knee Deep [Feedback request]