I wasn't quite able to grasp the relation of the title to the poem. That being said, I like the short lines. The long lines are maybe a bit too long (such as 'And suddenly your voice was warbling on the brink;').

Your poem starts out with many similes, so I was a bit surprised at the unadorned descriptions of war and bullets.

It also gets a bit cheesy, but I'm not sure that it's overdone.

I like your sudden transition from 'cheesy love poem' to a battle scene. The words and format flow really well together. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it. I'm quite new to poetry, so these are great tips I'll use when revising the poem. Again, thank you!

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I used to be able to read you like a book,

Pale skin scrawled with black ink,

All I had to do was give you that dirty look,

And suddenly your voice was warbling on the brink;

&amp;nbsp;
&amp;nbsp;

My tears tore through your skin like water droplets,

Liquid razors licking at a blank page,

The clothes between us evaporating, now we're topless,

Your limbs capturing my heart in a fleshy cage;

&amp;nbsp;
&amp;nbsp;

Even with you running off to war,

Surrounded by so many dead,

Bullets crawling into your ribcage,

You I'll never forget-

&amp;nbsp;
&amp;nbsp;

For your heart, I've already read;

It's told me all your secrets,

You love and hate,

Even in the battlefields grey bleakness,

You're struggling to wait;

&amp;nbsp;
&amp;nbsp;

I am too.








https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7q9neq/choose/dsnu7dc/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7qabjd/who_am_i/dsnu4fq/

