One Thousand Bats
Video poem:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGih0bGyLoc
Text from video:
In a small cluster of trees,
each branch a trapeze,
the slowest acrobat show,
ten still foxes in a row.
Does it bring you unease
that these bearers of disease
are more useful than bees
at giving us flowers?
Panting,
they sleep through daylight hours.
A rhythmic beat,
works against the heat,
Commonwealth Park’s furry heartbeat.
In sync,
they dance around a skating rink,
kissing it,
in an indelible drink.
As the first one flew,
the lust grew,
to disappear into a golden hue.
The others said "after you".
The sun began to set,
the time was right to run from threat.
At light's last hour,
they relocate to Telstra Tower.
A single bat leads the sky,
he’s the bravest guy,
the rest follow suit,
in pursuit of nectar and fruit.
An orange collar on a grey suit,
one thousand bats
fly en route.
Their blackness against the moonlight,
the darkest starlight.
They twinkle to their campsite,
and will return at first light.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7scc75/raindrops/dt3vzxc/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7sa0l0/taking_200000_photos_of_a_single_boulder/dt3w4e8/
Posted Jan 23, 2018, 9:01 PM UTC
The only time I think I took pause was in your description of the single bat; I think the following lines are a lot more evocative, and the use of "he's the greatest guy," doesn't convince me that a crowd would follow.
Overall though, great job. I really loved the lines "In sync,/ they dance around a skating rink." Even though it had been a few lines since your description of the foxes, I could easily see them prancing against an icy background. I'm also a big fan of your rhyme scheme; it never feels forced and it isn't necessarily consistent, but it always flows well. I'd really like to see a children's book of this because I think it lends well to old style gold books.
Thank you!