Fair enough you're right, after re reading the rhythm is a little jarring and yeah the order needs shifting. Thanks


Like this poem and the imagery but I feel the rhythm change at the end is slightly out of place, I feel it detracts from this piece. I feel that the second stanza is not placed where I would place it, I think it would make more sense to start the poem with breast babe, and end on the last stanza otherwise the narrator appears to backtrack to babe after child and this adversely affects the poem in my opinion.

i like it, i can imagine this as a spoken word piece, the ending is very good, welldone


If I were a child  
I'd carve my fists  
in bronze and honey dew  
I'd loose my gums  
to celebrate their tongue.    



AND my fangs would wax with resin:  

meat plattered,  

that'd scare em.  
&amp;nbsp; 

If I were a breast met babe    
I'd suckle my fair share,   
the world paid to have me here,  
I'll take my tax from its care.  
  
&amp;nbsp; 


If I were an aged man     
I'd strip my pubic bonnet,      
I'd keep a little doting,    
then kiss my cane for walking.    
&amp;nbsp; 


Now I lie in bone:  

a soil sentry      
in grave quilts       
till those trumpets      
call me up     
my God!                 

I am a child!  
A fearless child!    
&amp;nbsp; 

Feedback:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7skrp7/killing_monsters/dt728ks?utm_source=reddit-android


https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7sqrz5/whoosh/dt71xuo?utm_source=reddit-android

 Half intended this as a spoken word piece.




















If I were a Child