Roaming memories
Floating through
Can't keep still
So I'm on the move
If only these streets would change
If only my feet pedaled down a different lane
But my life's just one street of yesterday
No place to go
No place to stay
Just one street of yesterday
Posted Jan 25, 2018, 6:07 AM UTC
I thought the simplicity and focus was done greatly. I was surprised by this going through the submissions and found it relate able without being overbearing.
The only part that seemed a little off was "So I'm on the move" which came off to me as upbeat before reading it all. Especially in contrast to the powerful final four lines which are perfect.
Take this with a grain of salt. I'm not poet, I just really enjoyed this.
I think you're right. I was originally trying to capture how I felt when listening to this Modest Mouse song but haven't managed to find the exact right words. I wanted to convey the feeling of trying to move ahead but somehow still being held back/ stuck/ not knowing how to leave this endless active monotony. I'll have to think on that feeling a bit more and come up with a better translation!
I love the way you made reminiscing so simple but so moving. Unable to change what has been and only being able to take the path already travelled.
Thank you! I really wanted to get that feeling of not being able to move in a new direction across. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
I feel like this is about how you can't get away from the generally autonomy of everyday life regardless of how much you try. I generally like poems with more detail but I get your purpose for not doing so.
Do you think it would be more powerful if I added more detail?
Well I would say the first stanza is fine the way it is. The 2 shirt lines at the end are the only ones I would change. Because in the first stanza they are short because it's supposed to be quick since you are portraying an element of speed.
I see! I'm not quite sure how I would change those lines, but I'll keep your comments in mind as I start revising-- thank you for the feedback :)