Do I understand?
Or I am a sponge
Taking,
what is around
And still,
when it's too much.
Leaking,
The forgotten.
Or am I like soap
Needing,
The mess around.
Using,
As I am used.
To clean,
The same dirt again.
Posted Jan 27, 2018, 12:26 PM UTC
I really like this poem, the dichotomy presented between two objects commonly used together is really cool to consider. I like the way you used line breaks as u/SoDafoe mentioned, the parallel structure between the two stanzas really works here, and the words you paused on were provocative.
My only suggestion would be to consider changing the wording of the first line of the second stanza. I think it might be more powerful if it followed the structure of the first line, so something like "Or I am soap". Kind of nit-picky I know, but given the nature of the poem, I think it would work a little better.
Between "Needing, / The mess around" and "Using, / As I am used", you set up strong parallelism (needing/using) and syllable structure (2,4,2,4), then break both with "To clean, / The same dirt again." I get that breaking a set-up expectation can be powerful and draw attention to a line/lines, but this isn't doing it for me. Looking back at the whole poem, it's got a structure of (5,2,4,2,4 5,2,4,2,5), and the first stanza also breaks the parallelism by having an even numbered line not being an "-ing" verb. I think if lines 4 and 13 were changed to "-ing" verbs like lines 2, 6, 9, and 11, the parallelism would be stronger
I find it useful when people tell me how they interpret my poems, so I thought I'd try to do that here.
You consider two alternatives to understanding.
One is to consume as many experiences, and as much knowledge, as possible, without really processing anything. It makes me think of people who skim read novels. It's like they think they can cheat time.
The second describes people who see difference as something they need to fix. They see themselves as something fully formed and unchangeable, which is why anything which isn't them (or like them) is just "the same dirt again".
I think you have a knack for using line breaks. It doesn't feel random. It helps the reader to pause on key words, or turns in meaning.
Sorry I really don't have any criticisms. I like your poem a lot.