I really like the imagery, and word choice. It does a great job at painting a scene, and conveying the cold loneliness that whatever inspired this brought on. I think that you could have extended it quite a bit, though, to have given the reader a better set of stages... and a broader spectrum of emotion. Short and bitter sweet... but, too short! :P

Wonderful writing.

I agree, the line breaks jar the flow. I had to stop and re-read the line, losing the thread of the message.

The line break in the first stanza works very well. It helps to emphasise the imagery. Whereas the line break in the last stanza hinders things.

It is a good poem. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for the feedback! I wasn’t sure how exactly to structure it, but I guess I can just play around with the line breaks until it seems to flow more smoothly. I suppose the “cloak of ice” line is a bit different than the rest of the poem, but I feel like it still fits the tone I was trying to achieve.

Also, that means a lot to me! This is the very first poem I’ve ever written, and I look forward to writing more.

This poem feels almost perfected, but i feel like there's a bit that can be easily cleaned up.  I don't want to gush over it, but I feel that the imagery is brilliant in its simplicity and how it matches the theme aesthetically and symbolically. The speaker's style of talking match his feelings well, and much of the ideas are show very vividly.

One problem I do have is the how line breaks are used. They cut mid-sentence most of the time, which is obviously fine by itself, but here it seems to serve no purpose to rhythm or the way the poem sounds when reading. The same could be said for the break of the first and second stanzas. A last nit-pic is the "cloak of ice" lines. Every other line and idea in the poem is aggressively vivid, but those two lines seem a little too broad in comparison.

Overall, this is one of my favorite poems I've read in this subreddit thus far! I look forward to you posting more!

I think that's definitely doable, great idea :)

Thanks for the feedback! Do you think I should cut it off before the end of the second stanza, removing the part about the door being frozen shut? End it off with “Inside is my arm’s length away.”
and then the final couplet? That way it’ll leave it ambiguous as to whether or not the speaker can “go inside”?


So I love the first stanza and especially the couplet, but I think that it would be more powerful if you just cut the second stanza. The language is beautiful and I get what you were going for, but I think that the poem would benefit from it since the ability of the narrator to go inside would make it all the more heartbreaking. I know the connotation is that she made it impossible, but I think the metaphor is hammered out too much with the second stanza. Again the imagery is great, but as far as emotional impact the first stanza and the turn at the end really overshadow it. You can really feel the bitterness and the heartbreak.

I really like how you kept the chilly  theme going, your metaphors were excellent. Keep writing!

Maybe pierces instead? Stab is just so jagged.

Edit: That gets a little wordy then too- maybe drop ruthlessly stabs and just go pierces? Either way, your deal and I still enjoyed it so cheers.

Yeah, you’re right, actually. The word “stab” seems odd and misplaced in this context. I’m not sure how I could phrase it more eloquently though. Thanks for the feedback!

The word stab just seemed to really jar the emotion out of it for me, but I am very new to poetry. The overall message though for me struck a chord, wanting to be inside someones circle but being forced to stay outside and be resolved to it.

Good stuff.

Proof of your presence fades  
like the footprints of a  
fleeing hare in a snow storm.  
A cloak of ice leaves the world  
unrecognizable.  
&amp;nbsp;


Silence ruthlessly stabs holes  
in the frigid air; filling them seems  
impossible. Inside is  
my arm's length away,  
but the door is frozen shut.  
&amp;nbsp;


Don't worry about it, really,  
I'd rather stay outdoors.  

[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7prph2/oh_my_god_shut_up_susan/dtb68m5/) | [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7tdhs1/boy/dtbt2hb)