Source
r/SuicideWatch•
FunctionalDepressive

I am Jakob and I cant do this anymore.

I tried and tried and tried. I gave all I had and then some until there was nothing left for myself. So here's my last apology.

Jesse. You must have felt a lot like I did. In constant pain and never wanting to be a burden. You wore a pretty good mask, a lot better than mine. I guess that's why it was such a shock when you cracked that mask with a bullet. I wish we could have had a serious talk. Maybe I'll see you on the other side.

David. I hope you find the love you never got at home. We were both neglected and I think that's why we clicked. Please don't kill yourself after me, you have someone who wants to love you. I know she broke you, but both of you are just scared. You deserve to be happy. Thank you for being my support in trying times.

Mom. I'm sorry for breaking you're heart. You know I'm hurting but you don't know to what degree. Part of me wants to resent you but I can't. You only say those silly things because you don't know. I know you feel terrible for how you raised us and you regret not being able to stay home to nurture us like you wanted. But you busted your ass to ensure money problems never crossed any of your kids minds and you spoiled me, your only son.

Dad. I don't even know what to say. You tried to connect a lot with me but we're both terrible with our emotions. The only times I saw you emote with any passion was with alcohol. You weren't a bad person and I think Mom is always a little too hard on you. You kept a roof over my head, food on the table, and my sisters and I in clothes.

My one regret is I never learned to author and illustrate comics like I wanted to. I guess all those stories in my head will go to my grave.

I'm Jakob and this is probably the last time you will hear from me.

Posted Jan 29, 2018, 4:10 AM UTC · edited

636
AetherPrismriv•

Hey dude, hopefully you're still here. Can you show me some of those illustrations? If you have some in drawing, i would love to see them.

3
FunctionalDepressiveOP•

I don't have a way to access them right now. Plus you wouldn't want to see them. Just some angsty teenage boy's drawing things he always wanted but never had.

1
AetherPrismriv•

Of course that i would like to see them, doodle something for me right now to see!

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FunctionalDepressiveOP•

I don't have the means right now. No pencil/pen and paper. Sorry.

1
Piramontex•

Jakob, you don't have to do "anything". You don't have to follow the day to day struggles and schedule. What's going on now isn't working. That doesn't mean there isn't a spot in life that'll make you feel good.

I'm not here to convince you of anything but to simply have a discussion. We all have a free will, no matter what the law says technically everyone has a choice even if it's considered a bad choice by many those who go through see it as good because everyone has their own reasons for their actions.

2
FunctionalDepressiveOP•

I know you're making sense and I'm the messed up one. Time should fix things but I just can't be that patient. It's been 5 years and things haven't gotten better.

I'm just wandering through life, breaking down more and more frequently and convinced I'm entirely alone and unloved.

1
Piramontex•

Time doesn't always fix things. It's about the mindset and actions one takes.

2
FunctionalDepressiveOP•

I can't fix my mindset, at least not right now. Superficially my life is fine, so people don't understand why I want to kill myself. It's because inside isn't fine.

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[deleted]•

[removed]

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FunctionalDepressiveOP•

Those are all dull and meaningless. Seems like all I'm missing out on is more pain and suffering. I can't bring myself to draw anymore.

Its something I took up junior year to cope. I used to draw a lot, at least once per day. I would put on music, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, and just draw.

I would look up pictures of my favorite characters and try to draw them. I got decent at one point. Then I tried to learn how to draw properly and it sucked the soul out of me.

I just couldn't quite grasp forms, or anatomy. I tried books, videos, those little manikin things. Nothing worked.

I was still drawing up until I was about 19. I probably still have all my old sketchbooks back home in that plastic box.

But the thing is, I'm ashamed of them.

1
luckyhunterdude•

why do you think you played music while drawing? and did you see any patterns in your drawings when compared to the music?

2
FunctionalDepressiveOP•

I didn't like being alone, so even if all I had was music at least I didn't feel alone.

I always ended up drawing busts of pretty girls who I imagined were kind, patient, and had an endless well of empathy.

It's because I wanted this person in my life, but they were just a fantasy.

1
luckyhunterdude•

Huh that's pretty neat actually. When I concentrate on something I need it quiet. You say it was to not feel alone, but maybe it was more than that, like a inspiration? who knows. You may think this is a silly question, but did these kind patient girls you drew have the same hair color?

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[deleted]•

[removed]

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FunctionalDepressiveOP•

I know it's me but I literally can't get out. At least not without more help. I'm afraid of getting help. If I get the help I need, I'll lose my job and have permanent paperwork and proof saying I'm fucked up. I see that as failure.

I am so deeply afraid of failure that I would rather die then get help and admit there's a problem. It's a deeply rooted character flaw that's going to be the death of me.

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[deleted]•

[removed]

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GoGatorz15•

Don't view this as a failure. View this as a practice run to become the vibrant, beautiful human you are.

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harveywhatdoyousay•

My family sounds exactly like yours. I'm the only son, two sisters and parents who busted their balls (and vagina) to put a roof over our heads and food on our plates. My Mum also sometimes says these stupid things that don't sit well with me and my Dad was an alcoholic workhorse, naturally we didn't connect that much. In ways I feel like you're a brother from another mother.

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FunctionalDepressiveOP•

I don't know what to tell you other than that we're out here. People like me and you. It's terrible.

1
harveywhatdoyousay•

It is terrible, I totally empathise. Do you feel like your family environment is what made you feel this way?

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FunctionalDepressiveOP•

It certainly didn't help but I wasn't a perfect son either. I have trouble expressing my emotions so this led to me bottling them up until I would eventually explode. It's been happening more and more frequently. Laying in bed, crying and wondering what I contribute to this world.

1
harveywhatdoyousay•

Holy smokes, that's meirl. My Mum actually apologised to me once. She said I was her only son so she wasn't used to dealing with boys going through their rebellious phase.

Don't worry about what you contribute to this world, it has a funny way of working out sometimes and before you know it you've done a thing. But more than anything, I think depressives care. Whether that's about people or the world or what you what to achieve. When I read your first post, I got a real sense of that, you know? You empathised with Jesse's pain, you're selfless enough to ask David not to kill himself even while you suffer, there's understanding and forgiveness towards your parents and you care enough about the world to wish to contribute to it. In an ironic way, the world would be a better place with more depressives. So, don't worry about what you contribute. All that matters is that you care enough to want to contribute; most of the times that's all it takes. You have so much to offer to the world, so you need to stay strong and not let this beat you.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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UnimportantStories•

Hey. I understand you may never see this nor have the will power to read it. But no matter how much your life sucks there will always be something in this earth that can make you happy. Think of it as a room full of locked doors and you have one key. if you are persistent enough to keep attempting to unlock those doors one at a time, one day you will find the door that unlocks for you. If you need me Im here for you. I understand the pain you must've went through my door is always open for you to get things off of your chest.

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FunctionalDepressiveOP•

But how many times can I keep trying? At what point should I just accept that even if one of these doors unlocks I might not unlock it or even find it?

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UnimportantStories•

That's the thing. Life can seem like the worst gift ever presented to you. but you can find that door and it is out there. It takes awhile to find what you love and it usually does. But one day you will sit back and realize that one thing is there and it makes you the happiest you've ever been. It will happen. Keep trying. No matter how painful and depressing life can be there is always something. persevere, i'm here for you.

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GoGatorz15•

You can try endless amount of times. God has a plan for you because he loves you and so do we. We are here to help pick you up and continue trying.

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beniceandstrong•

I truly hope you are still there. You said your inside is not fine, but reading your words, I don’t agree. I think the fact that you feel pain and want changes just means you have a great heart and I think you should stay and change those things for the better. Every one will die one day. Don’t do it now. Stay and try to make life better. And I do believe you should never stop trying. It’s hard and painful, but you still should.

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