Source
r/OCPoetry•
valuum

Will you would you, A poem by my active gang member friend whose afraid to post himself

Feedback Received!

Will you would you

Will you be there if I fall

Would you pick me up or stall

Will you pull the trigger if I need you to

Would you do it or have to think it through

Will you make sure I have a place to go

Or would you tell me "I don't know"

Will you smile with me

Or would you tell me that' not where you want to be

Will you walk with me hand in hand

Or would you say "that's not my plan"

Would you watch my back while I watch yours

Or would you just be shoes and stores

Will you be loyal and hold it down

Or will you watch me kneel and stare at the ground

Will you shoot if I do

Or will you tell me not to

Will you be there 'till the end

Or would you fold and bend

BR


Personally I think the kid has talent. He doen't have a reddit account or know what it is. I told him about my Iama and the response I got and he was interested. He is looking for feedback on his poetry. To quote him:

"Bro i b nervouse bout postin shit n pple readin them idk why lol i wish i could make a book lol"  

and "N idk bro lol i guess just off pple not likeing it".

Don't baby him, give him constructive feedback. I just wanna encourage him in this because it's something constructive for him to do and I truly believe he has a talent for it. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7ujy8n/tarantula/dtkv97m/?context=0

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7ub6s2/crimes/dtkv4dn/?context=0

Posted Feb 1, 2018, 5:16 PM UTC

2119
SCOTSIRISHLASSIE•

I think this is very well written. I like the repeated questioning of will you be there or not and giving an example of what being there means or not being there means. Using a couplet rhyming scheme is perfect parallel for a would you or would you not question scheme. There is a typo I noticed: "that's not where you want to be".

Yes. I think he has talent. Keep writing. It is great catharsis.

6
standingtallbr10•

Thank you

3
standingtallbr10•

Check out my page if u can good or bad id like to aee qhat people think i can improve on or they like or advise on taking a next step

1
SCOTSIRISHLASSIE•

I will check it out. :)

1
standingtallbr10•

Ty :)

1
adamcoppola•

dig it as is. feels like music, which makes me wonder how it would be changed with the addition of a bridge. visually and vocally a bridge might act as single point of exit or a suggestion of a second dimension on what is currently a smooth and deep space.

6
standingtallbr10•

Thats a deep response i like that bro thank you man

1
standingtallbr10•

If u can check out my page and give feedback on a few others i have good or bad id appreciate that trying to see what i can do to make them better or what people like in them

1
ileisen•

I like the repetition in the questions and the somewhat disjointed meter. It’s not strict or formal and not should it be. It has a really nice organic feeling to it while still keeping the tension. Overall, great poem man and it’s not too late to get out.

3
standingtallbr10•

Check out my page if u can check out a few more i have good or bad just looking to get insight on what people think

1
hpl002•

Really like the rime-pattern, feels as it is meant to be sung. Ask if he has any more!

Big ups!

2
standingtallbr10•

Ty lol i wish that would happen lol and yea i got more on my page check them out when you can ty for the sopport and good words means alot

3
valuumOP•

He’s the guy replying with the name standintallbr10 or something, he made his own sub I’m trying to teach Reddit to him I told him to keep posting here since there’s already an audience

2
SisterofLingy•

I think he has talent too. He's very good at going through a stream of conciousness. I think the poem could benefit from being broken into stanzas however, so that it's easier to read. Tell him to keep writing!

1
standingtallbr10•

Ty if u can check out my page i ha e more i appreciate the advice and pointers ty for sopporting what im trying to do

1
SisterofLingy•

no problem, and will do :)

1
standingtallbr10•

Ty means alot

1
Glatisant-loves-you•

It conveys the truth of a life. It brings the reader in to look at his fears, point blank, and he seems naturally drawn to contrasts and subtlties (this writer needs autocorrect lol).

There's a lot about writing to be learned, but the voice is there and should be developed. There are so very many wonderful contemporary american poets, and i think the absolute best right now are black men and women. I hope he reads them.

1
standingtallbr10•

Ty n ya lol spelling aint my strong side lol ty for the feed back means alot to me

1