Source
r/OCPoetry•
boudico8

The Burnt-Freak Show.

Feedback Received!

Come one and all, hear me now
A presentation for you common cows
See this man on display for you all?
He cowers and fears, curled in a ball...

Shower him with darts, nettles, and glass
Or try him with flowers, oranges, and ass.
I assure you, he'll run from that too,
As he doesn't know what's good from you.

Not that he'd need it, he surely has plenty.
He's formed a collection since day twenty.
Bits and baubles, copulation and sweets,
but there's lacking content in carnal feats.

But what matter is yours, this subject of love?
Were he to want you, you'd not be his dove.
You have your own, your passionate flame.
Or been burnt like him, for which he's earned fame.

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Thanks for reading.

Posted Feb 11, 2018, 5:35 AM UTC

56
Cat_With_A_Nuke•

I might be misunderstanding the meanings, but the final paragraph could do well with question marks on every sentence. Raising your voice as though its a question at the end of each of those both makes the poem sound better and make more sense. Great writing though.

1
boudico8OP•

It might be interesting to add a question mark in the final line, but the 2nd and 3rd line in that stanza are more intended to be accusations. "You don't care what he wants, even if you did you couldn't/wouldn't give it to him," is the generic statement there. Hopefully that clarifies it enough for the language to make sense.

Thanks for the feedback!

1
Treeseconds•

Great I can relate to the subject of this poem he seems to not know what he wants and is very caring, is willing to put up with torture for others. Brilliant writing too love the rhyme scheme and the structure it's great

1
notalegalist•

Normally, I'm not crazy about rhyme schemes like this, but you honestly did it so well here, I'm seriously impressed by your ability to rhyme and your wonderful rhythm and timing. The concept itself is so interesting what with the circus and so on. The title is also really cool and fits well with the piece. I don't really have too much criticism, I just wanted to let you know this is fantastic, and I can't wait to see what else you write! :)

1
_CrazySquid•

The rhyme scheme of this poem is incredibly effective, and easily helps convey the suffering this person is experiencing. Just one question: Do you think making the last line break the rhyme scheme could add more punch to it?

1
boudico8OP•

You know, it's quite possible that it would impact the translation of the message to be more aggressive, which I would be all for. I'll consider that idea in the future.

Thanks for the feedback!

1