We weren't going to drink tonight
but your room stinks of petrichor
and we're dying of prurient thirst.
--
Our skin drips with sweat
As we crawl over open knees
and swallow each other's rain shower.
Posted Feb 19, 2018, 11:51 PM UTC
"Petrichor" confused me, but I found enlightenment at www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/internets-favorite-words/petrichor. I was still confused by "stinks of petrichor," but after re-reading the poem a few times I think I understood that, when you're dying of prurient thirst, you want something dank and musty, so a sweet refreshing petrichor would stink. And by the way I disagree with Greenhouse Gangster: "dying of thirst" might be cliché but "dying of prurient thirst" is not. I would keep it.
'As we crawl over open knees' I liked this line, it made me read it twice to grasp the meaning, which I think is a good thing when approaching this subject matter.
That being said, overall I think you may tread a little close to the obscene when maybe a little more tact might be more effective. Keep up the good work!
Fin XO
This is quite good. Never thought of lust as a rain shower before. Really like the use of "petrichor". Had to google it and really love that I have discovered the word through your poem. Now I know the word to that smell. May the coming of rain always bring you pleasure. Thanks for sharing.
Hm, prurient thirst is a fantastic phrase, but the "dying of thirst" cliche is too entwined with it in this draft. Not sure what you could do about that, it's not egregious but keeps catching my eye.
Writing about sex is awkward too, and you tread it well but maybe not well enough to warrant the text -- what's the greater theme, what am I learning when told about the voraciousness of the speaker/partner? I don't think I'm learning much, but I could be missing something.
There's a great throughline of liquids here, being present in every line but the knee one, and I think this works well. Maybe you can do something with crawling through dew to maintain the theme in the 5th line.
I think there just needs to be more of this, it's a good starting idea but needs movement elsewhere, right now the movement is a lil' predictable: in a poem about sex this poem builds to it, starts the deed, and then cuts away. The liquids are great, but this poem is missing something for me. (The title is great too, maybe integrate how the speaker might feel like a "wet spot" in a final tercet?)