Source
r/OCPoetry•
The-Real-Darklander

Burnt

Feedback Received!

The flames of hatred burn
In my head
My Ruby liquid pumps
The liquid flame
My heart pumps the ruby
My body is hell

Oh, holy desire
Fuel the flames
Flames that will
Turn me to coal

Agony within moved
By the action of the agonist
The muscles in my heart
No antagonist in this fight
Fires burn, the brain is gone
The ice, the cold thought molten

Desire without end
Fueling the hate.

1- https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/815a5b/when_i_die/dv0uj02?utm_source=reddit-android 2- https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/80xqbg/22_black_male_nonverbal_gunshot_wound_3_months/dv0uy8o?utm_source=reddit-android

Edits: trying to get the formatting right

Posted Mar 1, 2018, 5:10 PM UTC · edited

56
samiamari•

I'm not sure what the ruby represents. I do like the connection that you make between hatred and desire. I feel it is very true to life due to the fact that desire can cause suffering and hatred. I like this piece because it really show emotion. I also really like how you mentioned getting burned. Hatred can be very self harming.

2
The-Real-DarklanderOP•

Ruby liquid refers to blood when inside the body.

2
The-Real-DarklanderOP•

Thanks for the appreciation though. Any advice you'd like to give me?

2
samiamari•

Yeah maybe you could hint at what desire is causing the hatred. Other than that I think it is a great piece.

2
Atari2•

so this poem is really good in my opinion, however I have some questions: do you have a specific reason to repeat flames at lines 9-10 or it's just cause it sounded well? "my heard" in line 5 is supposed to be hearth or it's actually right? all around the poem feels nice, the only real criticism I have is that I feel like "flame" is repeated a little bit too much.

2
The-Real-DarklanderOP•

That repeat at 9-10 is to get the poem a bit of dynamism and to get to the metrics I was aiming for. And yes, it's "my heart" lemme edit that real quick. About the repetitiveness of "flame", well, it's about burning yourself. Maybe I could have used other fire-y things to use so it doesn't repeat and maybe get increased intensity over time.

1