Thanks, this is nice. Surprised it took so long for the rhyme to become strained. 

Thoughts:  
1. Really enjoyed the monorhyme and how the slant rhyme in the first line mirrors the chipped concrete and theme of decline. The internal rhymes were nice as well.  
2. This piece is disjunctive, but not so much so that it becomes nonsense, as another commenter said. To me, there is a clear throughline: society as a whole is in denial (or maybe willfully ignorant) about the current state of affairs.  
3. The speaker recognizes the discrepancy between what we believe and reality and has a sense of urgency (The falling snow does not wait for an answer). He wants to "solve" the problem, but is immediately shot down by the idiocy of (what I assume is) the masses.  
4. "brain" seems like stretching for a rhyme, especially with 'gonna' which is a much more recent slang term.  

*Let us go into a dictionary of ways,
resolve this whole, graying mess.*


I enjoyed this line but tried too hard to understand what was going on in the poem. You can probably snag a few upvotes by crossposting r/nonsense, but they would give very vague feedback.


I mean I'm currently exhausting myself deciding what drugs I would have to take in order to invent a reality-bending context that would accommodate your paragraph of text.


Would be great as an indie song however. The Decemberists or ~~Neutral Milk Hotel~~ The Shins would do a great job of turning it into a song.

Thanks mate, I think that's a helpful point.

I love the way you piece together the scene bit by bit. You focus on a lot of interesting and specific details, but with enough context to keep it cohesive.

I am interested in your use of the parentheticals - you only use them twice, and in consecutive sentences. I think they are effective, but I wonder if you could spread them out a little bit so that the second one could act as a sort of callback to the first. Although I do like the contents as they are.

I like how this almost feels like a poetic film-noir description of a crime scene crossed with a David Lynch-like mania. It feels like the description is in reverse almost, as the line (here cause and effect are reversed) suggests.

You did a great job at creating a scene from seeming nonsense and making me feel like a detective who has to piece together the crime scene.

This is good. I run a small press called Bread&Circuses ... interested in running some of your stuff. DM to talk more.

Burst main