I don't know how to handle this anger

(I don't know where else to post this. Back story: we got pregnant with the help of a fertility clinic. I am almost 31).

I found out I was miscarrying at 9 weeks. Baby stopped growing at 7w3d.

We had an ultrasound at 6w2d because my hcg had slowed. And there was our little circle, heart beating away, on the screen. It was such a relief. But I knew deep down that something was wrong and was not surprised by the miscarriage. This I THOUGHT gave me peace. It wasn't this big shock. I was sad, but knew miscarriages are common and not my fault.

I had miso and passed everything fine. Again, I thought I was okay. I was annoyed that it has taken us over 1.5 years to get pregnant just to miscarry. I am annoyed that we also have not been able to find a house to buy in this crazy market for the past 1.5 years. But I was fine.

This weekend, for some dumb reason I asked my husband if he ever thinks about stuff like "we would have been finishing our first trimester now if we hadn't miscarried" etc, and he said no. He processed the loss and doesn't think about it any more. On a rational level, I understand his man-brain. But it hurt a bit.

But then we started doing our taxes. And I had to open my fertility folder to get the medical bills. And there it was. The ultrasound image from 6 weeks. Of a live baby. My live baby. My glimmer of hope. Then on top of it, having to check off that we didn't purchase a house or have any dependants on the tax software - just another reminder that come 2018 tax filing, we probably won't be checking either off again.

I have been in an internal rage ever since. I haven't had the heart to tell my husband why. That his ease in getting past this drives me insane. His ease in waiting and having to start all over. I know it would hurt him to say it to him and I can't blame him for his feelings. But for me the baby at first was a glimmer to things finally progressing in our lives, finally making it to the next step after what has felt like a lifetime of being behind.

But that damn image. Those fucking taxes.

I want to break something. I want to be happy again. I want the simple future I envisioned for us. I want to feel at peace.