I should be starting therapy tomorrow, but I just don’t know...

I have a therapy appointment arranged for 10am tomorrow, and tonight the idea has me in hysterical tears. I just don’t know if I can do it. I hate every part of my existence, I hate my appearance, and I’m beginning to hate what’s left of my family for wanting me to carry on. I wish I was someone else, I wish I’d never been born, I wish I could die, and I wish I could up and leave to never be found all at the same time.

But this therapy appointment is through the NHS so I’ve waited for a long amount of time. I’m barely sleeping or eating, I never leave my bed, and I feel physically unwell all the time, so the idea of sitting in an office for an hour to discuss my life that I don’t even want just seems useless. I just don’t know anymore, thought this community might have something to offer.

Edit to add - I don’t want to sound ungrateful here. I’m grateful for the appointment but at the same time I just wish I was a normal person who didn’t need therapy to function. And the “functioning” is for the sake of others, because my 23 years of life have been awful, and the future doesn’t look any better either.

EDIT - (yes another edit, sorry!) I managed to attend my appointment, and I was very open about everything she asked. The results weren’t great, it was pretty much triage, and my options are limited so maybe it’s back to the drawing board or time to look at private healthcare.