My (22) bio-dad (40s) is super flaky and basically abandoned me. He’s deathly ill now and is trying to contact my mom (40s) and I. I have a son (1) who he’s never met. What should I do?

Backstory: Boy meets girl, girl gets pregnant, boy gets scared and says “oh no” and abandons girl and baby, girl takes boy to court for child support payments and boy realizes he should be in his kids life, but boy never really grows up or matures.

He was very flaky my entire childhood. There was a weird dynamic between my mom, him, and I. When they’re together, they always are really friendly and flirty, and reminisce a lot about the past. When they’re apart they bad talk the other person. “Your mom is just uptight and never lets me see you” ... “Your dad never shows up when I plan things, he’s too flaky”.

I lived with my mom but would see my dad every year/couple of years. My mom is grown up and mature. She married an ex marine business man when I was two, and our lives have always been comfortable. My bio-dad got a job straight out of high school in his dads welding shop and climbed the ladder until he was a pretty successful welding... person? I don’t really know what he does, but he makes a lot of money. He travels a lot, though, and parties a lot too. He’s a heavy smoker and drinker and has eaten microwave hotdogs and ramen basically his whole life.

Once we went to Disney World to see him and he called last minute saying he had work and couldn’t make it. He’s kinda a loser.

Anyways, I got married a couple years ago and he missed it. It wasn’t a huge deal, it was a court wedding, but each of us had family there and he missed it which sorta sucked. I moved past it and it wasn’t a huge deal. Well I got pregnant almost immediately and very long story short we lost the baby in a horrible way and I almost died. I was in the hospital for a couple weeks. My liver and kidneys shut down and I was at risk of cancer for a year after the fact.

He did not visit me even though I was literally on my death bed.

That bugged me, but honestly I was so numb from it all I didn’t really realize until much much later, and at that point I didn’t want to uncover the emotions I felt then.

Wellllll then I got pregnant again (woohoo I’m so fertile) and he dropped off the face of the earth. About a month before I got pregnant he called and promised me a large sum of money each month to help me and my husband pay for a nicer apartment. We rented out a bigger place and as soon as the paperwork went through we saw zero dollars and he wouldn’t answer calls (he lives in Washington, I live in Tennessee. I couldn’t go to his house or anything).

So I get pregnant and quit full time school because I now have to work at McDonald’s to help pay our way through this expensive lease. We eventually just break lease because it’s too much for us, and we move in with my mom and step-dad. Fast forward, somehow we get back on our feet, and I birth a beautiful 9 lb and some ounces boy. He was frickin huge.

Is my dad anywhere to be seen? Nope. My husband once called him from an unknown number (using star 67) and he answered. When my husband said “hey, it’s me!” My bio-dad pretended not to heat him and hung up.

NOW it’s been one year since the birth of my child and two years since I last spoke to my father. My mom and him were somewhat in touch through that time and she’d use that to keep me up to date (with my blessing. She would’ve dropped him like a brick if I asked her to. She’s like my best friend, but I told her it was cool).

Well apparently my bio-dad called her to say me, her, and him, all need to sit down together in person because he’s got pancreatic cancer and mouth cancer. (Probably from all the alcohol, chewing tobacco, cigarettes, and lean cuisines). He wants to have us sign some papers so his belongings go to us when he dies.

note: I still haven’t spoken to him

So I’m not sure if I want to even see him. I don’t know how I feel after the emotional games he’s put me through over the years. And I don’t know if I want him in my sons life either.

But on the other hand, if he’s dying I’d want him to meet his grandson once before he dies. I don’t think it’s right of me to keep my son from him. But I don’t know if I even could be in the same room as him.

I don’t really know how to process this? I haven’t really done anything. I cried a little bit the day my mom told me, but literally I cried less than I cried during the opening scene of Disney’s Up. I am not usually so emotionless, so obviously I’m not dealing with this the right way. I don’t even know what the right way is.

My husband is going to call him for me and talk to him (with my blessing) but eventually I won’t be able to ignore this. I’ll have to choose to either see him, or let him know I don’t want to see him. But I don’t know which one I want. Do I want to see him? Do I want to see him so sick? Do I want my son to be around him? Do I care? Idk!

Tl;dr - flaky bio-dad is dying and I don’t know how to feel.