Update, Vent, Whoa

I posted not long ago asking for advice. I think right now I’m just wanting to vent. Update. I don’t know. This has all been a long time coming, nearly a decade in the making for me (a lifetime for DH), and now it feels like it’s all happening so fast.

I’ve always considered my MIL to be selfish, needy, horrible, total BEC, but she’s never done anything so atrocious that you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it’s her. Or maybe that’s the narcissists trick? To make you feel like it’s your fault? It’s only now that I’m even starting to wonder, is MIL a narcissist? She’s certainly manipulative.

It all came to a head a week or so ago when MIL posted on social media that her and FIL are not allowed to be grandparents to our DS (see previous post). It’s not worth going into the nitty gritty of how everything got to that point, but it happened and it is so not appropriate to put that in a public forum. (And I cannot tell you all how much I loved the responses to my first post!)

It took this simple post for my DH to FINALLY get his head out of his ass and really, truly, stick up for me, for DS, and for himself. DH wrote a very nice email to his parents basically saying that they have a bad relationship, he’d like it to get better, he did not appreciate MILs post, and that for the time being he is taking a break (from them) and during that time DH will be seeking therapy. It wasn’t as vindictive as I would have liked, but I also understand that I prefer the scorched earth approach while DH is trying to salvage something (even if it’s not great).

DHs parents responded in 3 separate emails. Two of the emails, on the surface, were I think as good as one could hope for. Just that they’re sorry he feels that way, thanks for letting them know, hope to hear from you soon, etc etc. Then, because she just can’t leave well enough alone, MIL has to send that third email. What could she possibly want to add? Well, MIL doesn’t want to "exacerbate" anything (yeah right) but she has never said anything about not being allowed to be a grandparent to DS. We’re totally making that up. In fact, all she’s ever said is how I’m such a wonderful mother. Fucking bullshit. I have a fucking screenshot of her incredibly stupid post.

When I saw that MIL had responded with that just totally blatant lie I wanted to rip her a new one. I was pissed. And still am pissed. Fortunately cooler heads prevailed and I’ve held my tongue. For now. A very wise friend reminded me that this is a game. That MIL is trying to goad us into talking with her. So no, I’ll just hold onto my screenshot and wait.

So within a week of the stupid post, DH set up and saw a therapist. His first appointment was just this morning. I haven’t gotten all of the details yet, but he did tell me that at the end of his session the therapist said that MIL sounds very manipulative. And I did a big happy dance because fucking bloody hell I’ve been saying this for YEARS and now I’m finally getting the validation I need!

I think I’m going to seek therapy, too. DH would like to establish some kind of relationship with his parents (with very firm boundaries, hence the therapy), and if that’s the goal then I need to figure out how I’m ever going to be ok with that. I have so much pent up anger towards MIL. And FIL. And DH for just paying me lip service all these years while never actually backing me up. I'm nervous to go.

BONUS STORY: DH only just shared this childhood memory with me. It really solidified how fucking nuts MIL is. I’m going to leave out most of the details. MIL was upset that her children wouldn’t fess up to something. So she sat them all down on the couch, grabbed a ruler, and sat down in front of them. She then proceeded to hit herself as hard as she could with the ruler while saying, “I’m a bad mother!” She’s really just a wonderful person, no?