Our 4 year anniversary was Thursday. It was also DDay.

My husband (37M) and I (39F) have been married for 1 year. On DDay we were celebrating 4 years together but were short on money so didn't have any anniversary plans. I went through my husbands phone about a week ago. I found a website he was looking at for a "sexual massage". I felt pretty confused but also wanted to spend a few days thinking about it before I approached him. After all I just went through his phone for the first time in a year or two. I have caught him before engaging in inappropriate convos etc with women. This was in our first year of dating and I would say I was about 99% sure that he was completely faithful to me. I thought that we had a great marriage. We both have gone through so much over the last year and half. My dad is within weeks of dying of cancer. My husbands brother and best friend killed himself last year. He has been layed off work for almost a month. We are under stress there is no doubt. I have a much larger sex drive than him and he is very fickle and almost odd about sex. We do have sex 3-4 times a week but I feel like it's more for me than him. Well on our anniversary morning I call him and can't get through. He had texted me a small itinerary or what he had planned. I decided to leave work since it was our anniversary and go have lunch. He didn't answer my calls for two hours. He has never done this. Anyway, he calls and says he was shopping at the mall for our anniversary present. Later I realize the mall is closed at 9 am. He is obviously lying but not giving in one bit. 2 days later he finally takes me for a drive and tells me he went and had a massage and received a handjob and he's sorry. I don't understand how I can think we are so happy and such a great team and he does this to me. He says he didn't think about how it would effect me, he was only thinking of himself. It was our anniversary!!!!!! I don't know how to deal with this. I love him soo much and want to make it work but I don't know if he can ever be a faithful person. I'm under such an insane amount of stress. I have considered checking myself into a mental ward for 48 hours so I can get help for these hopeless panic fits that I continue to have. He blames depression and not dealing with the loss of his brother for this. I don't know how they can be related. I've always been there for him and he knows I'm there if he needs me but he never ever opens up to me. I think maybe he just doesn't have the love for me that I have for him. I have been married previously and did things against that marriage and I'm embarrassed and sad to say that I didn't really have a strong emotional reaction when I was caught. I didn't care much, I wish I did but it was hard to be empathetic because I was not in love with him. I feel like maybe this is Karma, and I also feel maybe he's not showing emotions after the affair because he doesn't really love me. Please help me understand.