I think my Dad confessed to something awful on his deathbed

I had a really weird experience with my dad, he said some weird things in his last few breaths.

I don’t want to go to my family with it, as they cut my dad out of their life long ago. When I was in my last year of college, my parents split and my dad picked up a habit of alcoholism. This carried on and on now I’m 27 and my dad has suffered from liver failure. He passed away last night at 56 years old, with me, his son, the only child who didn’t turn his back on him by his side. My sisters sided with my mom and decided my dad being an alcoholic was the knife that would cut ties with them. I can’t blame them, but he was my dad and I never felt right turning on him.

I graduated from college with a marketing degree and I won’t go into detail about my occupation but I’m pretty well off, and I would often give my dad money when I could.

So anyways, yesterday morning the doctors broke the news..my dad wouldn’t be around much longer. I called my siblings and mom, and I got the voicemail of my sisters, but my mom answered and simply said “I hope he isn’t in pain but I won’t be making an appearance.” I didn’t have time to argue or convince, I just wanted to spend time with my dad so I left it at that. We spent the day watching television, and doing what ever he pleased, which was mostly playing Rum and talking about my siblings and how he missed them. Around 7 PM, he started struggling. I went to hit the button to call the nurses but he stopped me, he said “Son, let me go in peace and with a little dignity. There’s some things I wanna say.”

I felt tears welling up in my eyes but I did as he wished, and sat there with him and listened to what he had to say. For the most part he was telling me how he was sorry about the past years where he let being an alcoholic take over his life, telling me how proud he was of me, how he could never repay me for all that I have done for him. But then it got weird.

I saw a tear roll down his cheek as he said, “I’m so sorry for what I did when you were asleep.” “What are you talking about, Dad?”

He lets out a sigh and closes his eyes, and for a moment I had thought he was dead, but then he opened his mouth to speak again, pausing as if he was trying to find the words.

“I’m not going to heaven son, you won’t see me again. I’m not pure, I’m so sorry.”

We were never very religious, but we made it to church most Sundays when I was young, and I did my best to restore my dads faith.

“God forgives sins Dad, you haven’t done anything terrible.”

“No Kevin, I have done things you don’t know about.”

In my mind I was only thinking he is drugged up on his pain meds, not thinking straight, but he kept going.

“I hurt those girls, I made them leave their families. Alcohol wasn’t always my addiction...The year of 1997 I found something much worse...they were never found...no one...”

My dad’s voice was really raspy, and there was a breath released nearly between each word so it took me a second to process what he said, and just as I understood his last statement he spoke again,

“I’m so sorry son...uncle Jim...”

And then he was gone.

Just like in the movies, he flatlined. Let out one last breath. I sat there, in awe of our last conversation. I sat there confused, staring at my dads still open eyes and open mouth..a haunting image.

Nurses started rushing in, but saw the DNR on his chart and started telling me how sorry they were and that I could stay as long as I needed. But I had to go.

I didn’t say anything just grabbed my coat and keys and walked out. I walked to my car and drove straight to my house.

I am so confused.

I don’t know what to make of this I’m hoping someone can please help me.

I keep thinking of how drugged up my dad was on pain meds, and that he was probably talking out of his ass...but I feel so unsettled.

I was up all night, tossing and turning and replaying our conversation.

I need help, what do I make of this? Is it probably just the meds or should I talk to someone?

Please help.

Part Two Update