Very Confusing Experience after Taking Psilocybin. Looking for outside feedback to make more sense of it.

I have been getting to know my parts for the last several months. The use of cannabis has been extremely helpful in facilitating communication... especially with exiles. I am one of the ANPs. I have met Caroline (who tries to help me survive by assessing other people's opinions of me and by listing out all the possible ways something could go wrong) and Mama, a part who arises to nurture my despairing, lonely little by singing to her. "Mama" also told me that that was her name, and that my little (whose name I'm apparently not allowed to know) is 3. I also met another nurturing part of myself two weeks ago that uses spirituality and mysticism to cope with depression, rather than singing.

I was feeling like I was in such a good place. I started having these profound mystical experiences again (like I did as a child) where I felt love, light, gratitude and compassion for myself and for all beings in the universe. I thought that naturally,... the next step was taking Shrooms! ~ cause afterall, there is all this new research suggesting that one dose of psilocybin can significantly improve depression... and when they talk about the bad trips, they usually say people thought it was worht it anyway.

Terrible idea in retrospect, ...but I am determined to use this experience to help me grow, rather than dwelling on all the negative aspects and regressing back to the time before I knew that I had these beautiful, compassionate, mothering parts.

Here is my experience.... maybe someone can help me make sense of it...

I took a very small amount of shrooms... about .6 grams. I had tried them twice in the past and they had no effect on me. I DID NOT consult the others about my decision, as I was blinded by hubris and kind of thought I was special or something and that they wouldn't work on me. I (the author) just thought that I could handle it.

The shrooms did work on me. I started to realize that I when I closed my eyes I saw some colored patterns like paisleys. My body felt extremely dead inside. There was no inner talk. It was desperate and lonely. It took me back to a time when I was chased down by staff and injected with risperdol at a mental hospital when I was 15. I was zombified; could not think at all. I tried to use the coping skills I have acquired, but I lost all communication with my alters (which I almost always experience co-consciously, either as driver or passenger).

I remember thinking that the effects were kind of boring, since I have had visual hallucinations from poor eyesight and can call up vivid, colored imagery when I close my eyes even when I'm not under the influence of psychedelics... also it depressed my body to a state of catatonia and obliterated my imagination and creative capacities. When I realized this had happened (about 3 minutes into the onset of the trip) I got really, really angry. Angrier than I ever allow myself to be in 'real' life. I was selfish, I genuinely didn't care about my boyfriend of 3 years (who as been a wonderful support). I hated him. He was a stranger to me. It was like I didn't know him... never had a relationship with him. That was the first clue I had, that I was really experiencing something abnormal for me... since all of the parts that I have communication with have come to really love my boyfriend in one way or another.

I felt psychopathic. I was completely selfish. I couldn't/didn't care at all, about other people's feelings. I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it NOW. My thinking was extremely rigid and closed minded. I had the experience of being everything I 'should not.' It was like experiencing the opposite side of my nature. At one point, I felt that I was reliving a timeline of all the emotional states corresponding to the most traumatic experiences I ever had... void of any memories about what originally caused my body to feel that way. I was impulsive and out of control. Nothing comforted me. I would approach my boyfriend, then feel a sense of terror and walk backwards or turn away from him. Sometimes I would lose muscle tone in my legs and collapse onto the floor crying. I vacillated between a two personality states... one that was extremely apologetic and the other that was blinded with rage. I wanted to use my boyfriend for support, but realized that I felt no connection with him at all, only fear. Instead I just screamed at him and told him that he had abandoned me, and why wasn't he prepared to help me more... and why wasn't he making me feel better...etc... (Things I would NEVER say to him or even think). I was also paranoid that he had MADE me have a bad trip on purpose or something. I kept trying to hide from him, but he wouldn't leave me alone by myself... as he was my "trip" sitter. I ended-up taking a little adderall (as I am normally prescribed it and take it daily, but had not as I was worried about about drug interactions). It helped some in making sense of what was going on. I got in the shower and profusely apologized to all of my alters for making such a momentous decision about our body without them. No one responded verbally, but I think another alter came out after that, that was more depressed and resigned to all of it, than the angry part that showed up first. Eventually, my boyfriend fell asleep and I sat in a chair and stared into space for about 3 hours with no thoughts in my head.

It was a solid 12 hour trip to hell wherein I experienced no positive or comforting emotions. I have be re-experiencing flashbacks of the event for the past two days... especially the nagging feelings that I don't really love my boyfriend anymore. I've been losing time... getting visually fixated on an object and then completely spacing out for 10- 15 minutes... with no conscious awareness of the passage of time.

Does anyone have any ideas about what could have been going on there? I am not new to psychology or therapy, by I am new to DDNOS. I have only really accepted the diagnosis for the past year or so... and established contact with my first alter about 6 months ago. I'm wondering if I met a new little...? Any thoughts anyone has would be appreciated.

Thanks.