FIL Unrequited Love or Am I Crazy? [X-post from r/justnofamily]

Hey guys! Sorry for the long post and the crappy formatting. I’m on mobile. TL;DR at bottom. This post is long as hell. So I’ve been feeling weird about my father in law since we met and it’s recently dawned on me that he might be trying to take me from my husband? I feel full of myself and arrogant for thinking that but after 7 years, all these events that have lead up to my conclusion are pretty obvious. It was such an asinine theory to me that I haven’t taken time to really consider it. I took six years of nursing school and plan to go back for my MD once I get away from my current situation. I focused a lot on psychiatry in my studies but I have so much more to learn, and I really need outside opinions! Here is a chronological summary of events:

I always felt like he was attracted to me since the day we met but I don’t base everything on feelings. My husband and I began dating in 2011.

In 2015, my husband and I lived with our roommates and we all had a Halloween party. My FIL drank a lot and ended up grabbing my ass in front of his girlfriend. My husband was not there to see it. He tried to talk his way out of it but I just chalked it up to drunk people doing drunk people things. I forgave him and moved on with life in order to keep the peace. My husband was pissed but I told him not to create conflict.

In 2016, we had another Halloween party at a punk show. FIL got drunk again and then started to tell me he loved me and to dance naked on the table while my x drummers band was playing. Then he began moving closer and closer. I knew what was coming so I put my butt against the wall and looked at him like I was mad. I later texted them and indirectly said how I’ll knock out anyone that thinks they can touch me that’s not my husband. He was thwarted in touching me.

Then things really got worse in October of 2017 because that’s when the gaslighting and attempted emotional abuse started. We were asked to care for grandma who has dementia and diabetes. FIL heard me playing guitar in my room. I know it. If he were there, you can believe I would not be playing in front of him! I came out and he had that glazed over look guys get when they like someone. Then he began to inappropriately look at me overtly ever since.

Things just began spiraling. FIL made me out to be stupid for going back to school. FIL tried to turn my husband against me subtly. He’s tried to turn me against my husband subtly by gaslighting both of us into thinking we are somehow psychologically defective. He will as me medical stuff and then tell me I’m wrong and need help when I explain my answer (he hasn’t gone to college? Wtf?). I am fiercely independent, loyal, and know precisely what I want. I have never responded to him hitting on me. I act aloof, indifferent, and stick to my beliefs. It’s like not giving him attention is worse!

We got married in September 2017 and his dad said he didn’t believe in in so we shouldn’t have. I told him coldly that that’s why he chose not to marry his girlfriend. Basically saying without saying that you can make your own decisions about your relationship but we will do as we please with ours. It was my husbands idea to marry anyways. I’m glad we did, too! I adore him.

Halloween, thanksgiving, and Christmas of 2017 we made it a point to not hang out with them. Instead of him seeing what he was doing and changing, it seemed to just make things worse.

My husband quit smoking pot in December of 2017 due to rash and his body beginning to essentially reject it. His dad was pissed. After he quit smoking, hubby basically instantly got an assistant store manager equivalent at GameStop without ever working there. He’s now next in line to be the store manager. His dad only had condescending comments to make about it. I have no issue with weed but was accused of forcing my husband to change and all this other baloney. It was his own choice and that’s none of my business anyways. Basically anything my husband does, he blames me for it like he didn’t choose it on his own. It’s then made out to be some evil bad thing. I don’t mind pot but I’m not a smoker.

Last fall He tried to get in between an argument with my husband and I and began calling me a twat. Therefore I got in his face and I told him to shut his fng mouth, he has no idea what he’s talking about and zero information to make a decision and slammed the door in his face. I really feel like it made him like me more. Which is stupid and nonsensical for me to feel that way but I do. It’s the vibe I get from him when he’s around now. Normal people would be taking hints that I’m not into them, plain and simple.

It seems like he takes the opposite viewpoint on all my opinions so I just say things like “you’d have to go through it to understand it, so I can see why you feel that way.” My choice of language is distancing him from me in every way possible and reinforcing that we are two separate and independent entities and that I have zero sexual interest in him whatsoever. I make sure to make it look like I’m immune to his negativity with a constant smile on my face and looking like I don’t care what the world thinks. I make it known that my husband is my best friend and no one will change that.

FIL always wants a say in how I dress, what color my hair is, the things we buy etc. if he tells me not to do something in this category, I’m more likely to do it to assert my independence from him.

I don’t respond to sex jokes or innuendos he makes. It’s like the more boundaries I set and my indifference to his scathing remarks, I FEEL like his attraction for me just grows. But those are just feelings! I don’t base things solely off of feelings but I certainly know when someone’s attracted to me. It’s like the more aloof I act, the more he acts out. He is a fifty year old man and I’m twenty eight. Let’s just say he is not easy on the eyes and his personality is less than stellar. Even if those weren’t the case, IM MARRIED AND COMMITTED TO MY HUSBAND, PERIOD.

He also used to be the leader of a gang here in Cincinnati. He got busted and he fell from grace essentially and has so many felonies that no one will hire him. Grandma says he used to get a lot of women.

Is he trying to take me from my husband by gaslighting me into thinking I need him? I really feel like he tries to control us. My husband can’t stand him and he’s on the verge of going no contact after we move out of grandmas house in two weeks. I just feel like he’s trying to create doubt in my relationship and I hate the way he looks at me. I think he’s trying to undermine my husband and take me. Any opinions, regardless of how bizarre are more than welcome. I’m not afraid to think outside of the box. I’m open to anything. Don’t hold back and be brutally honest. It’s what I need.

I am very very similar to his girlfriend...just younger. What’s going on here?

Thank you so much for reading, I’ve been holding this in for 7 years❤️

TL;DR I suspect my husbands dad is trying to use gaslighting tactics to take me from my husband. He’s grabbed my ass once and tried to another time but was stopped. He tries to create dependency on him and I’m fiercely independent. It’s blatantly obvious he does at least have a crush on me, that is a fact. Advice of all types wanted...if you were him how would you go about taking me from your son?

Edit: thank you so much if you had commented. My anxiety level went from 100 down to a good 25. I am very grateful that you guys took the time out of your day to explain this to me. I’m sleeping a lot better now. You guys are awesome :D