My constant struggle

Hey everyone I’ve never done this before and I’m writing this more to vent than to look for an ultimate answer to anyone who responds to this. So let me interest you with my life. I’ve been dealing with depression my entire life. My parents went through an ugly divorce which is what initiated my depression and everything that happened in my life after has prolonged it.

My name is Paul, I live in Nanuet, New York and this May I’ll be 21. I’m your typical guy. I’ve been working at the same great gig since high school. I was a 3 sport athlete in high school, part of the student senate, big gamer and all around a very personable dude with some of the best friends I could ever ask for and currently finishing up my Associates Degree in community college. Here’s my problem though.

I’m an emotional person. I feel for others as I feel for myself. I have no shame in expressing my emotion and I feel that boys and men alike should express how they feel regardless of the huge perspective in this world that you’re essentially “not a real man”/“a whimp” for showing signs of sadness. I have a big heart and I’m always trying to help in some way to make the world we live in a little less frightening and inspire to be involved in a workforce that is about helping others and currently waiting on my test results from the FDNY.

Now, I dated a girl towards the end of high school and in simplest terms we were in love. It was real, it was serious, it was everything a true, raw, and unconditionally loving relationship was about. Families hanging with one another, vacations, the whole 9 yards folks. We dated for a year and half and when she decided to pull the plug on our relationship when I was heading into my second year of college, I felt every effect of it. To spare you every detail, I literally couldn’t get out of bed, or walk out my house without dropping to my knees sobbing. Being mad at the world and even going as far as throwing shots at God, I was a complete mess lol.

During my break up I was in the deepest pit of depression I’ve ever experienced. I got involved with gambling (legally) to chase that rush of euphoria that I didn’t have anymore and other illegal things I can’t say for obvious reasons but wouldn’t be that hard to imagine. I was turning into someone I wasn’t, looking for outlets to distract me from the pain which only made the depression worse. We’re talking about an everyday routine of me tearing down my body from the inside with alcohol, lack of sleep and pissing away thousands of dollars because I didn’t know how to act after a break up. It lasted for months until I told my parents I wanted to talk to someone and be put on medication because I was lost, hopeless and felt worthless every second of my life.

Fast forward to now and I am significantly much better than before which I am extremely happy about. I take antidepressants daily and vyvanse which is adderall’s cousin. I’ve always had a problem focusing since I was young and during the break up I literally didn’t focus on anything but trying to get back together with my ex. Once I picked myself up, started getting right, dating other girls, I knew how to be a person again. So why am I here?

I’m here because I feel i’m in a stalemate. I still have depressing and suicidal thoughts but at the same time I am a genuinely happy person. It’s almost like the depression comes in waves at a time. I’ve recently been talking to this girl for 4 months now and even though she has said numerous times that’s she’s serious about me, at the same time she doesn’t make that extra effort and recently hasn’t been answering me. As of this past fall and winter I haven’t been doing to well with the ladies so it makes me wonder, is it me? I don’t think it’s me but then again people who say that are most of the time the problem lol. I feel like I’m misunderstood, under appreciated, and not taken seriously. I like being alone but I feel I’ve taken enough “me time” to give myself to someone and it’s not easy when it comes to girls, I wish it did lol.

I’ll be the first to say to live your life at your own pace and not by others but that doesn’t mean that it there are effects felt. For example I have friends away at college, in relationships for a couple of years and will probably wind up getting married and their lives just seem to be zooming by along with it being all over social media so it’s hard to avoid. I don’t know, I’m just in a significant rut right now internally although nothing catastrophic is occurring.

Well that’s all I have to share of the moment. If anyone made it this far tell me what you think and if you have felt the same way of any sort. Have a good day everyone.

• Paul