Who is the abuser? Vs. is this healthy?

Just a thought that has lurked for a while now... This questioning has plagued me for years, during the failing relationship and after it.

Who is the abuser? What did I do wrong? How guilty am I? Is she evil and hurtful on purpose? And so on.

I wish we could have changed the whole topic to "Is this healthy, and if not, what should be done."

Step back from the battle stations, lower the weapons, cease the search for the guilty, and ask "is this healthy"

Hindsight is 20/20