Some random ramblings of my experience

I’ve been lurking here for some time now and thought about writing – but I haven’t had enough courage until now. I just think I need to get these thoughts out of the system. I never have had a chance to have any kind of peer support after I got out from all the religion stuff. And finally I think I’m ready to admit to myself that it might be okay to talk to people with similar experiences about this. Share experiences.

I was born and raised in pentecostal family – both my parents were also raised in a very fundamentalist environment. I was always told I must be an obedient and quiet child. This was especially because my mother had (and still has) mental issues. These issues were never talked about, but I still had to fit into this model of an obedient girl who just has try to please her parents, especially the unpredictable and unstable mother. It felt like I could not be the child I was – I just had to play this part of a good girl from very early on. I learned to shut up, I learned to put everybody else before me. I learned to forget me and pretty much serve others.

I was very happy to get out of our dysfunctional family when I went to study. I moved to another town and went to a new church. It felt great. But it also started feeling very hollow. I did not just feel those things like everybody else did. Everybody talked about how the presence of God fills them during sermons and I was just sitting there and thinking that wow, I guess I’m a bad believer for not feeling that. The holy spirit did not fill me, but I tried to fit in, because I did not know anything else.

For me, religion has always been about feeling guilty. I always felt guilty, from a very early age. I got so used to feeling guilty about basically everything that I still feel guilty about many things without reason. I guess it is so wired into me... Anyway, I remember finding masturbation when I was 10 years old or so. It took me couple of years to find out it was a sin. I remember how I felt when I heard about that: like something so good was taken away from me - and because I felt like that, I was so ashamed of myself. It was a sin! I must not feel this way.

That became theme of my life for a very long time. Ashamed of all my sexuality. I felt like I could never be a good believer because I actually liked the idea of sex and I was very interested in it. You can probably imagine, how much these things fascinate teenagers – and how much self-hatred it caused, because I had to believe them to be sinful and harmful thoughts for me. And it was not just the sexuality, I was ashamed of all of me basically. I felt like there’s nothing good in me. I felt so fucking guilty.

And then I started having doubts. I had these doubts for a very long time. I just couldn’t understand how the God, who was supposed to be so merciful and loving, could also be so hateful. I did not understand how God could hate gays – if God is love, then what’s wrong with people loving each other? The bible did not feel right. The idea about heaven was actually disgusting for me. But it took me years to actually trust my own thoughts and ideas and actually use my own brain and not listen to those hypocrites. I had nobody to talk about stuff.

I was like 25 years old, when it finally happened. I met a friend and we talked about this religious stuff so much. He just kept telling me things like “you can have your own thoughts, you don’t have to believe things like that if you don’t feel like it”. And after these conversations it took me like couple of weeks and I was ready to let go of all that shit. I realised I really do not believe in any God - and it was a relief. I remember crying happy tears when I read about the cosmos and how beautiful the universe actually is. After that I had no doubts, I was so sure about my decision. It felt right.

Since then I’ve been feeling free. I stopped going to church and have not entered there after that. (Although I’d like to go now, to see it with different eyes.) I haven’t had an existential crisis like some of the ex-believers do. But the problem is this: I feel like I’m wired to all that shit and it still keeps me as a prisoner. I feel like I’m still trapped to all that shit in my mind. All these mindsets are so deep in me and I don’t even realise all of them yet.

I think I was depressed already when I was a believer – but when I let go of that shit, things got worse. It all just hit me so hard in a way. I realised how much it all had effected on me and how I am quite lost with how to be myself. I want to be, but it’s really hard. And now I’m ashamed because of that........ Yes, I’m going through therapy, but lately I’ve felt like I need something else. Peer support. Someone to talk to, who understands these things.

(And no, I still haven't had the courage to talk to my parents about my deconversion. I just generally don't want to talk to them much, and it feels quite a huge thing. Maybe someday.)