F[24]How to Stop Clamming Up to SO[M22] About Stress and Sadness

This is a problem we've dealt with throughout our entire relationship (5+ years).

When I am upset, I am quiet, distant, and often forget about everything around me. It feels like I get drawn inward and tune everything else out.

I think I have a hard time opening up because I grew up in an environment where my words were often used against me or weren't listened to. I was criticisized, sometimes threatened, and often given the silent treatment.

I resist telling my SO how I feel--it feels like a reflexive thing I do when I am uncomfortable--because deep down I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing and make him not like me. I know it's such a childish thing to say and think. And while I can still write about this rationally, I know that he would be happy to just hear me have an opinion on something, anything. I also know that he has the right to agree or disagree with what I think. And I know I should be comforted knowing that he will respond to me with respect. But still, I have a hard time opening up.

I have a history with anxiety and depression, and I try to be really cognizant of my emotions. Over the last year, I've been great at not letting the irrational thoughts that come with depression and anxiety manifest themselves in my emotions. I make sure I eat, exercise, sleep, go outside, and talk to people on occasion.

We've never actually had a conversation about my depression, but SO always tries to talk me through these episodes where I get really quiet. I've even gotten better at expressing myself to him within the last year. I mainly stick to phrases like "I feel like . . ." because they seem less inflammatory than the emotions I actually feel. When I get quiet, I feel immensely sad, doubtful, and angry. But what I really want to do is scream about how I mad or sad I feel.

But during these past two weeks, I feel defeated and incredibly flat. I feel wrecked. I am so stressed and sad. I know these feelings will pass, but I need some help putting things into perspective, and I need some help finding the right words to say so I can talk to my SO.