The way I am

This is me and its taken a long time to realize this is the way I am. I am manipulative and I honest don't care. I use people a lot. I study people and read people not because I want to connect with them but because they have something I may want or they may be able to help me in some sort of way. Writing this out right now I sound crazy but I'm not. I have finally learned to accept this and be more aware of it. I have the hardest time keeping friends usually I get bored of them or they want to talk about their problems and I will steam roll the conversation to be about myself again. I have maybe three long term friends that have put up with me. People think I listen to their problems but unless it is going to have some sort of impact on me I usually zone out until I can redirect the conversation. I try to care about peoples problems and feelings but it seems the more I try the less I actually want to be around them. I do not like helping people. I do not like hearing peoples problems. A good work friend of mine got fired and I haven't talked to him since. That was almost a year ago now and to be honest this is the first time he has crossed my mind. I see things on TV or movies and see how people feel and react to things and it honestly doesn't make sense to me. Most times I think my reactions to things are different than most people. My dog died recently, it was extremely hard for my wife and kids. It honestly wasn't hard for me. He had been sick and we knew this day was coming. I didn't know why they acted surprised or started crying. My wife had a hard time sleeping. I pretended to be sad so they felt like I understood. I didn't. My wife tries extremely hard to explain her feelings to me and they make little sense to me. I feel like she feels things that I don't or feels things in a way that is completely different to mine. I saw a counselor recently. She seemed like a genuinely caring person who wants to help people. I wanted to know why I had issues caring about people and their feelings. I wanted to know why it never quite clicked with me why people were upset and why they wouldn't see things from my point of view. Even in arguments I would try to see the side of the other person but their reasoning for being upset always seemed silly to me. Even when I did something wrong I would still rationalize it in my own head to where I was in the right. I stopped seeing the counselor after a month when she gave me some exercises to try and wanted me to write about my feelings. I didn't feel like she was doing anymore than trying to change me at a core level rather than help me with what I wanted answers for. I'm stubborn. I lie constantly. I lie about little things without a good reason. For example,my wife makes my lunch for work everyday, everyday I tell her I eat it even if I don't. I lie about things without even thinking about it. I am a contradiction. I do not really like a majority of people but I want to be liked and I want people to want to be friends with me. I want to be seen as a cool person and a good person even though deep down I know I'm not. I am ok with who I am on the inside but I don't open up to people because I don't want them to know who I am inside. I don't want people to know that I don't care about them or their problems. I don't understand people who are extremely close with their family. I am close to my wife and kids but other than that I can go weeks or months without talking to the rest of my family. When my grandfather died, I didn't know about it for a few weeks, I didn't attend his funeral and I didn't feel sad. I never really knew the guy, he wasn't someone I saw very often or talked to very much. When my dad went to prison, I was 16 and kept on going without thinking about it to much. It didn't seem to affect me until I had to get all of our stuff out of the house and even then I was only angry. I didn't feel sad. I didn't cry. I just kept going. My wife is close with her family and they come to visit at least once a week, she loves it and I find it an annoying inconvenience. I sometimes I wish I cared as much as other people do but at the same time I am almost glad I don't. If you made it this far thanks for reading. Feel free to ask questions I will answer the best that I can.