Red Eye
The city skyscrapers tower on every side.
The mundane monoliths leech all significance which in your mind remains.
It’s been some time since existence has garnered self-pride.
Well of course! You’ve sold your dreams to serve another man’s campaigns.
A dreary day leaves your head throbbing and eyes bloodshot.
As you leave the building you think “Fresh air will bring relief.”
Deep down you know this is a futile thought.
It will take more than one breath to cure years of being held underneath.
A sigh forces its way between your lips.
“Where did I go wrong? When did I get so distraught?”
No wonder all your dreams became sinking ships
When you’ve always faced yourself with tidal waves of doubtful thought.
“But what about my youth? I always was so grand and free!”
Memories of young power, carefree fun and youthful initiative fill your head.
But you are mistaken. For different reasons, yes, but you’ve always been this way, can’t you see?
Even through youth, your head was still heavy. Your eyes were still red.
You hang your head for you know that it’s true.
More memories come, this time of uncertainty, confused distress and fear fuelled inaction.
There were so many opportunities. So many careers you could do,
But even as a kid you knew whatever you chose, you’d be left without satisfaction.
No matter your choice, the grass will always seem greener.
You’ve come to realize this over time, but don’t let it change your demeanor.
For your choices don’t matter. They always end poised in the same stance.
What more can you expect when you’ve fallen into an existential romance.
Posted Mar 19, 2018, 4:40 AM UTC
This is nice. There's a lot that's working quite well here. I like the rhythm of the piece. It really helps to place the reader in the urban setting, consumed by the mundanity of the daily grind.
I think with a little clean up and minor editing this could be something quite special. Lines where you drift into platitudes or vague abstractions don't work nearly as well as surrounding likes which focus more on concrete details. And it's a good thing these latter ones are in the vast minority. As I said, most of this is working really well.
Lines like this:
And this:
Are great. Primo stuff. 👍
Lines like this though:
And this:
And this:
Are just kinda meh. 🤷
Thank you for this advice! This is my first time posting here and I am debating whether or not I should read some of my poetry at my city's open mic coming up. Advice that is thought out like this is very helpful. Appreciate it!
[deleted]
[deleted]