If ever another time,
To love as much I do now.
Call it time.
Call it fate.
White stones of crescent design,
And every horizon space.
Between nights,
Between days.
Love case,
Love case.
Love to love.
Love to bathe.
Bathe in love,
Call me lucky.
Drink with me,
Stars of night.
And let's dance through life.
Feedback:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/85l8ke/comment/dw0b97h
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/85n4fx/comment/dw0ay9n
Posted Mar 20, 2018, 7:00 PM UTC
The most evocative moment of this poem, for me, is the 5th line: "White stones of crescent design"— not only do I get a really sharp image, but it feels like there is meaning to infer from the image.
The first two lines struck me as odd. As a sentence, what does "If ever another time, to love as much I do now" mean? Similarly, what is a "horizon space"? Those lines, paired with other lines that really lack a lot of imagery seem to fill the poem with fluff, for me. "Nights, days, love, bathe, life," are all pretty vague— and that last line about dancing through life is quite cliche, as far as I can tell.
"Love case" itself is an interesting phrase, but, it's not well justified. You have a case of love? You have love in a case? Interesting start, but I'm not sure what the point it of the love case is, yet.
I think this poem could use more concrete images in place of the abstract ones.
"Bathing": that's abstract.
"Putting a toe into a hot bath": that's concrete.
"Love as much as I do now": that's abstract.
"Love case / heavy with white stones / of crescent design": that's concrete.
So there's some great images to work with here. I think it could be sharpened up. But such is writing. I really hope something I said here helps. Thanks for sharing!
You guys in this sub are amazing. I've never posted my poetry here before because I've always been scared for people to critique my writing, but you've given me a lot of confidence. I kind of posted this one first because I was incredibly wasted when I wrote it so it isn't as meaningful as my other works. Thank you so much for your criticism, it was all incredibly helpful
Glad to help— look forward to reading what you come up with next :)
I'm new to Reddit and still trying to figure this subreddit out, but I really like this piece! I'm no expert, but as I read, I felt almost a connection to the writing. Almost related to the longing for someone or something to feel love... a very good piece. Keep it up
This piece has a nice musical sensibility to it and definitely flowed pretty well. However reading through it again, I felt like theres a small imbalance in there somewhere. The first half of the poem has some strong artistic elements like "white stones of crescent design" and "horizon space" that I think are a very good balance between necessarily cliche and artfully unique. But the second half seems to deacribe emotion in a much looser way, and this somehow made it seem a little off to me.
Hi there,
Although I feel myself a humble writer, here is my feedback:
The first part of the poem is quite nice.
"If ever another time, To love as much I do now. Call it time. Call it fate. White stones of crescent design, And every horizon space."
Personally, I find original imagery important. I like 'seeing' a poem. I found myself seeing white stones of crescent design. :)
What's more, the first two lines are unpretentious and it feels as though you mean it.
Now for the second part; unfortunately it started becoming cliched and rushed in my view. It also lacks imagery.
Good luck refining it and all the best!
Thank you!! I was honestly drunk and high as fuck when I wrote this. Was listening to a live Dave Matthews Band song and sitting across from my girlfriend, I just kind of poured my emotions down on paper. This is the somewhat cleaned up version as the original had a lot of random lines that seemed unnecessary upon sober review lmao