Source
r/raisedbynarcissists•
GiantCuddle

No-drama event declines? Advice please!

[Advice Request]

Like many of you, my situation involves balancing a whole family. My youngest sister maintains full contact with our parents, despite how often my egg donor sabotaged her jobs or got her evicted. She is incredibly lonely and knows they will always answer her call. I try not to judge her too harshly since they made her that way.

I've blocked my mother everywhere I can think of. I haven't answered her texts in years, but she sends them almost daily. I get invites to attend family events that I would like to ignore. They will tell my sister to ask me for them. She gets pretty irritated with the constant requests but I don't know how to prevent her from being asked. Now that she lives with me, she can't keep telling them she doesn't know if I'm around this weekend.

"I never want to see that horrible bitch in person again" would start an extended-family disaster. How are you guys avoiding family get-togethers without the crazy in your family trying to get your whereabouts through everyone else? If you read that novel of a post, thank you!

TL;DR I don't want to see them, my sister is tired of telling them this on my behalf.

Posted Mar 26, 2018, 10:07 PM UTC

79
rlbprob•

First you need to establish the boundary with your sister. You can't prevent her from being asked to include you, but you can prevent her forwarding the invite. If she's irritated with being used by your mother that's her problem, not yours. She doesn't have to tell them that you're not around she needs to tell them that she's not a message service. You need to remind her that you don't have contact with your mother for a reason and sister needs to respect that by not being used as a go-between. It she can't or won't do that then she's going to have to tell them that she doesn't know your plans over and over again.

Or, you can bite the bullet and make the announcement that you aren't interested in attending family events, and to please stop the awkward manipulation of your sister.

The N's will keep badgering your sister as long as there is the slightest possibility of success.

6
GiantCuddleOP•

Thank you for taking the time to respond, you are totally correct.

1
rlbprob•

It felt a bit harsh after I wrote it, but I think you already knew all that in your heart. It's just hard to always have to be the "bad guy" simply to protect yourself, isn't it?

1
McLallie•

I can so relate to everything you're saying! I wanted to echo the other comment; sounds like you are really taking care of yourself and at this point, it's your sister's problem. If she can't tell them she doesn't want to be a messenger, she can continue to play dumb about your whereabouts, or when they ask her to ask, she can just say ok, I did and she said no. But either way, if it were me, I'd say, how you deal with them is not my problem and I don't want to hear about their continued asking about me please. I'd say, I will support you doing what you need to do for you, but please respect I don't want to hear about them asking about me. I would be infuriated because it keeps it all alive in my brain.

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GiantCuddleOP•

Thank you very much, it definitely "keeps it all alive".

1
rjyerkes•

I haven't answered her texts in years, but she sends them almost daily.

That's someone who will NOT take a hint lol. Maybe it's time to just come clean and tell them you're not interested in family events anymore?

2
GiantCuddleOP•

There are NO hints with this woman!

2
The-Great-Game•

They will tell my sister to ask me for them.

"No." and leave it at that. With this your sister won't have to do the justification dance of "Maybe GiantCuddle will be able to come, IDK."

She could also tell them to ask you themselves and you can reroute all their unwanted party invites straight to the trash filter and forget about them.

Your sister may be tired of telling extended family that you don't want to see them but this is more or less an extended argument unless she shuts it down by refusing to pass on the unwanted party invitations.

In a similar situation Ndad's enabling girlfriend *Angie tried to have me pass on an invitation to Thanksgiving at their house to E/Nmom and Nsis who both hate him. I listened to her and did not pass on the message. Angie doesn't really try to track me down because she knows she can't influence me with her manipulations. I have done holidays in the past by picking either the day before or the day after to visit.

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