https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/87yua7/incapable/

https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/87x9mt/progress/

I agree. The pain is evident.i wouldn't change anything because artist all have their own way of writing and that's the beauty of it. I actually read this twice.

I can feel the pain in the words you use.  So I really liked the poem.  I would have liked you to have used the ... remember? towards the end of the poem as well.  Or perhaps use the first line at the end again.  But I do also like it how it is.  Thank you for sharing.

There's a lot of things I'd consider revising in the poem. The main conceit, comparing a decaying relationship to the seasons, has already been done before by many other poets. To make yours unique, you have to use unique language/devices to make your poem stand out. You manage to write in a down to earth way, which is good, but I would consider going  off the beaten path with your language so that your poem could feel more striking. I would also consider the repetition, and especially the title.

There are a few things I'm not sure of in this poem. One is the anaphora of "... remember?" I think that's detracting more than its adding. Same could be said of the similes. I think the meaning and feeling of "Permanent as the growth that saturates the soul following a week of cool rain" is totally lost in its wordiness. The wry snarkiness is in that line but I really don't think that feeling fits at all. It's a very clunky image in comparison to the dewdrop on a rose petal. Something else that isn't working for me is just how short it is. Each season alone is longer than this poem as a whole. 

What IS working super well is that last line. That shit is cold af. I'm a huge fan of it. That could be the entire poem. It doesn't need to be about love. It doesn't need to be about anything. That line is classic and the quality of writing sits so high above the rest of the poem. Keep that line. Get it tattooed backward on your forehead so every time you look in the mirror you remember you wr

I can totally feel where you’re coming from. This poem took me back to my relationship that ended over a year ago that I can’t seem to let go of. I haven’t quite thought about it or felt that raw pain in a while but this really brought me back which I kind of love and hate you for. 

I enjoy the use of “...remember?” But, I would use it more throughout the poem. I also like the phrase “you helped me throw our plans away.” Which calls back to the beginning when you were supposed to last forever. You really captured the feeling of loss and mourning in this short little poem. I love it 

You have this “... remember?” motif in lines 1 and 3.  I like how you’ve kept the “...” at the end of line 5 as though the pattern should continue, as well as how it gets dropped after that, but it feels as though the poem would be a lot more complete if that idea came back at least one more time toward the end.

We were supposed to be together … remember?

As though a dewdrop sits on a pink rose petal in the spring morning.

We were going to last forever … remember?

Permanent as the growth that saturates the soul following a week of cool rain.

We met in and lived through the spring ...

but summer never came.

Fall never approached us, either,

we lived in hibernation.

You helped me throw our plans away;

those which lived as strongly as the chilly morning air.

It felt deathly real until the sun broke the cold right there.

~

SPRING2018