Looking for advice with betrayal trauma
Hi guys,
I've never posted in here but I figured this would be the place to ask - is anyone in a marriage or a committed relationship and have quit porn, but is struggling to help their partner get through the betrayal trauma?
Let's start with a little backstory - I've been looking at/watching porn since I was around 8, when I found my dad's porno magazine underneath the couch. I never told my wife about this issue when we started dating, since I was able to stay away from it for a while. Then I went somewhere where I had no access to porn for almost three years, and when I came home, I fell back into it probably about 2 weeks later. My wife and I were dating at the time, and I had no idea the effects of porn back then. To me, it was just something that was done by all guys. I never really considered the people I was watching to be actual people - they could have been cartoon characters for all I cared. Obviously, that's not the reality of it.
As time went on, our relationship was great, but as we all know, porn habits escalate. I was soon watching edgier, more taboo stuff, and I eventually got into webcams. Still, I didn't see them as real people. It was almost like a video game for me. Obviously that's not the reality of that, either.
Long story short, back in September my wife found my credit card statement, with hundreds of dollars of charges from webcam sites. It was the worst day of both of our lives, and it's been a rocky road since then. I've come a long way and haven't watched porn or MO'd since January 19th, which has done wonders for my mental health, focus, memory, yadda yadda yadda. Best of all, it's made me feel closer to my wife. I feel like I can actually feel and open up about emotions now. It's insane.
The real tragedy of the whole thing, as with any relationship that's been infected by porn, is that my wife has been traumatized worse than I've ever seen anyone traumatized before, and I've known some war vets with serious PTSD.
It's really bad, I feel like possibly the worst fucker on the face of the earth. She can't sleep, barely eats, feels awful about herself, thinks she's ugly (she's completely gorgeous - like, supermodel gorgeous), she has awful anxiety, she thinks I found all of these girls to be way prettier than her (they're not), and is just all around unhappy and feels stuck all the time.
Meanwhile, I sit here like a lump because nothing was done to me so I don't have to feel traumatized by what I did. I feel guilty because I actually think my overall default mood is way better than it used to be. But then there's my poor wife, traumatized and completely unhappy and completely unable to move on with her life. It's sick.
I want so badly to help her, but I have no idea how to. I feel completely helpless and just want her to be able to experience joy again. I've completely given up porn and have no desire to go back to it, and I know that I'll be able to keep this going forever. The problem is, she doesn't. And I've lied so much throughout all of this that she can't find it in her to believe me anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. At any rate, thanks for reading.
And for anyone who's not married or in a committed relationship, if you find yourself getting into one, give up the porn. It'll cause more destruction than you could possibly imagine.
- Sidenote: We already tried marriage counseling. It didn't help.
Posted Mar 29, 2018, 8:34 PM UTC
I don't really have great advices considering you even tried marriage counseling. Still, some stuff that I think may help if you aren't doing them already:
Visibly spend less time (maybe almost none) on computers and cellphones. Put your pc in the living room so everyone can see what you're doing (your wife, especially). That will evoke trust. (If you find this difficult, I suggest simply looking for new hobbies and developing new habits).
Do nice things for her in general. Take her out, spend money on gifts, you get the idea. This is a good move for your specific situation, but be careful to not get her too spoiled after the wound's already healed. good hint is: if you have 1000 bucks (for instance), don't buy 1 awesome $1000 gift. Buy lots of little $50 ones, and give them in intervals. This is an old trick, it'll make her feel thankful to you over and over again.
Since you've already tried dealing with the situation head on, maybe avoid bringing this subject up again. Only talk about it directly if she's the one bringing it up.
To up her self-esteem, investing in your sex life is a must too. Whenever you get the chance, make sure you work hard to be as enthusiastic about doing her as you can be. This will make put her oxitocin hormones to work, and will make her a lot more forgiving.