Source
r/OCPoetry•
pretafaire

Making Ashes On The Hill

Feedback Received!

A stark blue sky meets red pitched roof, As life meets death in quick succession. There amidst the summer crops, the living proof, that mourning has become a grim profession.

Rolling line of slick production reels, Loosely scripted, heartfelt.  Grief is choking.  Audience participates, a tearful sight.  Curtains closed, vents open, chimneys smoking.    Biographies and eulogies abridged, Cathartic yet rhetorical, recited. Hurriedly assembled mixed acquaintances, Bereaved among the voyeurs and the unrequited. 

Faithless, indiscriminate and open  to grant the paying life's last dignity. The moral debt outweighing hefty profits made from civilisation's oldest industry.

Revolving door of life in repetition.  Departure lounge in which to wait until our ritual of remembrance can commend them to the task of making ashes on the hill. 

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Posted Apr 1, 2018, 10:13 PM UTC

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gman1123•

"biographies and eulogies abridged, Cathartic yet rhetorical, recited."

at this moment my emotion changed from redditor just looking to give some feedback after stumbling upon this sub. To someone who believes they just witnessed a miracle. This composition of words is eloquent and I feel my mind wanting to hear more of what you have to say.

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pretafaireOP•

Thanks for your kind words. I laboured over this one for a fair while, and similarly over the decision of which poem to share first, as I am new to this group.

Your feedback is a welcome encouragement to share more, and is gratefully appreciated.

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cliteratimonster•

A stark blue sky meets red pitched roof, As life meets death in quick succession. There amidst the summer crops, the living proof, that mourning has become a grim profession.

I really like the internal rhyme of 'red pitched roof' and 'living proof' in this sentence.

Cathartic yet rhetorical, recited.

I also really like the emotion behind this sentence - it flows very nicely through my head and off my tongue when read aloud.

Overall, I enjoyed the imagery of the poem - it makes me picture a funeral on a sunny summer's saskatchewan day.

Good work :)

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pretafaireOP•

thankyou very much. exactly what I’d hoped for. I can’t speak to whether a Scottish summer day accurately echoes a Saskatchewan one, but I hope it evoked the same mental image for you as it did me.

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