Source
r/OCPoetry•
buffystan

Happiness

Feedback Received!

I’m not sure if I’m meant to be happy
It feels artificial and rare
Like a stolen fur coat
Or a blood diamond

I don’t know if I should believe my stomach
That flutters and flips like dolphins
Yapping away, trying to tell me
That unprovoked giddiness is okay

As a snake sheds its skin
I shed my frame of mind
Redefining everyday feelings
Emotions sprinting

Pouring myself coffee and toasting bread
Every morning I question my lying body
Like fingers tracing a topographic map
Looking for lost treasure

1 2

Posted Apr 5, 2018, 8:03 PM UTC

65
pm_favorite_song_2me•

You described this feeling so well, I know we and probably many others have felt this same way at some point in our lives. My only complaint is that after resonating so thoroughly with me throughout the bulk of the piece, it ended on a sudden mysterious note. I didn't expect to be confused at the end.

3
buffystanOP•

Thanks so much for reading! I didn’t intend for the confusion so I’ll make some changes.

1
frowney_turkey838•

Beginning is beautiful, felt like the words came out of me. Kind of lost me at the end but maybe I need to read it a few more times and sit on it.

3
woodenfirefighter•

You've done a great job clearly conveying a very specific emotion with a handful of verses. My only suggestion is that the lines that begin with "Like a" can feel a little contrived, it might be worth using more analogies > similes, or using similes for individual parts of what you're describing rather than for the thing as a whole (if that makes any sense). Good job!

2
[deleted]•

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