This is fantastic. The imagery evokes so much feeling. Every word is calculated perfectly strung to the ones before and after. The pace of it feels so tight and refined. Thank you for posting!

Hey listen, I agree with you on most points. But your tone is off. This is supposed to be constructive feedback, not a barrage of criticism. You have a right to react to their poetry but you certainly don’t have a right to tell them what to do with it. Read like a writer. If you notice something, make them aware. 

Saying things like “you need to” and “you should” is just wrong. If it makes their poem shitty to you then fine, they’ve turned you off to that and you should make them aware. But there’s always it was intentional and you should respect that. 



I totally agree. The ocpoetry mob is unpredictable

Idk why this was downvoted: metaphors have to be coherent or else the poem seems unfocused. The whole body being enveloped by ivy is what I think this piece is trying to get at, but the broad strokes make it hard to tether meaning -- if this piece focused on the stomach, it could be about weight or about eating plantlife, if it was focused on the mind it could be about aging or forgetting, etc.

Was there a reason you chose to use punctuation but still capitalize each line? 

It’s fantastic. I love the description of the flowers and the drowning in the green. It evokes a lot of emotion.

What is it about?

This has the same rhythmic structure as the ending song of season one in A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix.

I can't stop reading it with the same melody lol.



I think you’ve got a good start here. I myself don’t mind the rambling metaphor but I think you could tie it together a bit more in the end. Bring back the twisting bramble/burr. The 2nd to last line is a “tell” not show line. You’re telling us what’s up - someone can’t breath - but you don’t need to because you’ve said they drown. 

I’d take out the first person stuff but that’s personal preference on my part. I like your imagery when it’s more up for interpretation. This sucks but something along the lines of this 

> Planted with bramble and burr
>The sharpest of branches were twined
>Jealous of landscapes brushed and sown in the mind
>Ivy needs not poison to kill 
>Flowers can be just as mean
>Beckoning, twisting, until I’m 
>Drowned in the vast unruly of green

