Source
r/stopdrinking•
AbsoluteRascal

At the end of my tether

My mom, who is an active alcoholic, has been visiting me this week. One minute ago she asked me if I'd like wine, as she has for the last five successive days. She knows I am 167 days sober. She knows I am an alcoholic. But now here I am, posting on SD with my teeth clenched and my mouth watering. I don't even know why I'm making this post, except that I'm legitimately pissed off. I am also thankful she leaves tomorrow. But above all of that, I feel guilty that I have been in such a foul mood for her whole visit.

My home, where I keep no alcohol at all, has been FULL of white wine, which is her drink of choice. As is the way with apples and trees and all that, it was mine as well. It's been hard. Really hard. Every time I open the fridge, it's staring me in the face. When she passes out at 8, after drinking since 2pm, it's just been me and those bottles because my husband is out of town. I won't lie; I came damned close to giving up on all this. It's SO hard to have it near me that it makes me almost weak in the knees.

I thought I'd have the balls to tell her to keep it in her room, but I couldn't. I thought I'd have the guts to tell her how much it bothers me, but I haven't. I have just ground along through the days, and dreamed vividly of drinking each and every night (which I have never done before).

I had to reach out to my partners in sobriety because I'm at the end of my tether here. It'll be fine, but if you're having a shitty day, just know that I am too. Lots of love to all of you.

Posted Apr 6, 2018, 7:38 PM UTC

5050
AllGravitySucks9421 days•

IWNDWYT or your mother

Hang in there kiddo. You can handle this without police intervention.

13
ishouldquitsmoking22 days•

or your mother

I'm not sure why but that made me laugh out loud honestly.

I ain't drinking with annny'alll today.

7
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

Thank you, Gravity. I laughed out loud when I thought about calling the cops. Thank you.

5
Eire1347 days•

Sending you huge hugs....You have done amazing...this is huge and im delighted you are being soooo strong.... Maybe next time before your Mum visits address the mentioned issues with alcohol in the fridge etc... it may make your environment a little more relaxed... One more night to go....Maybe have a bath...avoid the fridge and ensure all alcohol removed from the house tomorrow....You can do this...167 days proves you can......,

9
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

So weird that it's been that long! Congrats to you on 12 days. Thank you so much for answering.

3
Eire1347 days•

My success was 180 days...6 years ago and i have never reached past 100 days since... Once the spell is broken it is hard to restart for many...Weather this storm and reward yourself with a facial or massage tomorrow....You know your worth it...and i know you can make it through one more night...I will not drink with you tonight ...Sending positive vibes

3
TheWoodBotherer316 days•

Aw Rascal, so sorry to hear that! That's really bloody selfish and insensitive of your Ma to carry on like that....

Not long to go now though eh... Do you have a plan for tomorrow after she leaves? Some sort of self-care and a little reward to yourself for staying so strong might be in order....

I wonder if you've ever done any reading about Adult Children Of Alcoholics, maybe it might help with boundary-setting and stuff, going forward...?

Hang in there, you're doing great! IWNDWYT,

Woody :>)>

7
numetalistkrieg186 days•

Sometimes we have to work with what we've got. If you can't tell your mom to keep it in her room or that it bothers you, then do the next best thing you can for yourself. If that's coming here, I hope this helps. We care about you and we want you to succeed in making it through the home stretch of this visit with your sobriety intact. Be forgiving to yourself that this is a struggle.

You've made it through five whole days of this? I'd say find the positive in that, because that couldn't have come out of nothing.

I will not drink with you today!

6
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

Thank you so much. Yes, I think I do need to go easier on myself. At the moment I just feel so cranky. Your comment really helps.

I do feel really strong in my sobriety, but this has been a trying time.

1
HeadF0x495 days•

Sobriety is absolutely full of trying times, because without alcohol there is nowhere to hide..... You've done incredibly well under very trying circumstances; you're way past halfway through her visit, you've nearly made it 😁 x

2
sorryAboutThatChief130 days•

If it were me, I would have told her to go home. Honestly, a parent is supposed to make sacrifices for their children. Not the other way around. I'm so sorry you have to put up with that shit.

Every time she offers you could respond by telling her you only have to hear that X more times until she leaves. Might be harsh but what she is doing is terrible

3
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

This is what I would say to anybody in this position too! But it's so hard when there are all these layers of dysfunction. It's like being lost in a fog.

She wears these really noisy bangles and jingles them a lot when she gets loaded. I'm counting down the minutes on that noise AND the wine offers <3!

2
Prevenient_grace1888 days•

I'm so proud of your persistence and sobering on in the face of these temptations !!

Sorry to hear about the mom suggestions for wine.

I know what I would do if faced with this. I would get an index card or similar and write "I do not drink. Please do not offer my any alcohol. Please support me." ....Love PG"

Hang in there !

3
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

Thank you, PG!! I really appreciate it!

1
Fire_Within_Heart131 days•

So sorry for you Rascal...my parents visited over Easter. It never ceases to amaze me how I can, at 55 friggin’ years old, be reduced to a subservient child by my 81 year old mother. Meh. All the old passive-aggressive shit and baggage.

“I thought I'd have the balls to tell her to keep it in her room, but I couldn't. I thought I'd have the guts to tell her how much it bothers me, but I haven't. I have just ground along through the days.”

Perhaps, when you are saying your goodbyes, you can say exactly those things to her. Let her know, in a nice way, how you respected her personal space because you love her, but that it was at a price. She seems insensitive to your struggles, but perhaps on her ride home, some of it might sink in and she might reflect on her impact to you and your sobriety. Just a thought. You stay strong gurl...we got ya {{{{hugs}}}}

I will not drink with y’all today. 🔥within❤️

3
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

Thank you, Fire! I don't think there's going to be much getting through to her. All I can really do is live my life like I want to live it, even if it embarrasses or confuses her.

So much baggage.

2
Papi_Queso565 days•

Damn, Rascal...hang in there. You'll be stronger when this is all over. It sucks to have someone (especially your own mother) dangle temptation right in front of your face. Misery loves company, right? We're proud of you. Keep your guard up!

3
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

Hey!! The smell just about did me in, TBH. I have never consumed so much seltzer and chocolate in my entire life. Those effing dreams, too. I kept seeing the glass of wine on the edge of the sink, where I used to put it for my evening shower. As I recall, you were a shower drinker as well. Birds of a feather.

3
bitchesonthescene35 days•

Thank you for sharing this and showing me what strength looks like. I needed it. :)

3
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

Oh yeah! It's my pleasure! Your reply gave ME strength!

2
too_much_recycling30 days•

My wife drinks wine sometimes and I insist she keeps it inside a plastic bag in the fridge so at least it's not completely visible every time I reach for a fizzy water! My parents though - first time I told them I was off alcohol they just looked at me like I was from Mars and asked why?! Well done for getting through the visit!

3
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

I know. It's like I've told them that I no longer eat food.

I like that idea about disguising it. At one point this week, she had four bottles on the top shelf. I could have asserted myself on that a bit better, in retrospect. I just wanted it off the counter but then every damned time I opened the fridge, there it was.

2
krisXiii355 days•

My mother’s drinking is also hard to tolerate. Had to establish rules that I wouldn’t see her while she is drinking. No phone calls either. Or we end up in arguments, which triggers me to drink. So far it’s working. Reddit is a lifesaver!

3
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

This may be something that I need to consider very seriously. I don't answer her calls or texts after 3pm. Thank you!

2
helium-tea66 days•

Drunk moms, man... I have one too. Loving her is difficult sometimes, but she did spawn me and raise me so I could never turn my back on her. She is, however, a fantastic reminder of why I quit drinking. I don't want my kid to ever think of me the way I think of my mom. She stresses me out. My philosophy is to love her from a distance and it seems to be working out okay.

While I was pushing in the delivery room, she came back from dinner buzzed off margaritas, hollered "knock knoooock!", barged in, and was offended when I told her to get out. Kinda douchey, ma.

3
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

Boundaries! Mine doesn't know what they are either.

My upbringing was so bumpy (with two alcoholic parents) that I don't think I'll have any kids of my own. Major kudos to you for doing better for your kids.

3
Fire_Within_Heart131 days•

Spawn! I choked a little on my la croix. Too funny helium 😂

I will not drink with y’all today. 🔥within❤️

3
powrlineman49 days•

My Mom is the same way, a huge trigger. Hang in there. Play it forward, I’m sure you know what would happen. Breath, spend some time alone if that helps. I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone. IWNDWYT!

2
mary_widdow7 days•

I don’t know how you guys do it. My mother lives with me and is just the best. So supportive and doesn’t drink. I control if there’s booze here. I’m SO proud of you. You are SO strong.

2
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

It's so funny because she SEEMED so supportive on the phone! I think I even made a post about it. But in person, it was a very different deal. I guess in some ways it was very reaffirming, but it was exhausting. I wish I could give your mom (and you!) a hug!

1
mary_widdow7 days•

She gives wonderful hugs so I wish you could too! Sometimes these “life lessons “ or whatever they are good to have but I second the exhausted part.

1
Aninram130 days•

Hang in there. It will be so sweet when you traverse this fully present and dealing. You got this. :D (fist bump with an explosion sound while opening fist into jazz hands)

2
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

LOL! Jazz hands make everything better! Thank you, Aninram!

2
Aninram130 days•

Ya know what, they do! Thank you to you too. :D

1
pellymelly465 days•

Ugh I know that feeling, except it's my mother-in-law who brings the white wine in. Fortunately she doesn't stay long. Hang in there!!

2
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

Thank you, Melly!

1
Fearcitykitty546 days•

First off, congratulations!! Maybe if she stays again you could buy a cheap mini fridge and put it in the guest room. I'm sure that wasn't easy to deal with but you did it!! I will not drink with you today!

2
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

See, this is really good advice! And it's just the sort of thing that I would say to someone here too. I don't think it's possible in this situation. Her identity is so bound up in drinking that it would be akin to rejecting her, not her drinking. How effed up is that?

1
lilmisssuccubus181 days•

You’ve got this, honey! You are not your mom, play the tape forward. Soon your house will be yours again and your husband will be back, IWNDWYT.

2
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

All is back to normal! SNAFU over! Happy almost-150, Miss S!

1
notgonnabemydad1047 days•

Oh man, that is rough! So glad you're reaching out. I had a hard time a couple of months ago around my family, all of whom were both consuming and discussing alcohol constantly. At nearly three years sober, I felt myself start to crack. It was so frustrating! I also used this sub as well as reached out to my girlfriend from afar, and that made all the difference in the world. You are not alone, my friend. Hang in, it is almost over.

2
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

I'm so glad that the impending crack-up feeling wasn't unique to me! I am so much better today, now that she is gone and the wine is out of my house. Thank you so much for replying. Congrats on that 1000+ days. You are such an inspiration.

1
Thisharryballz•

After being placed in a position of neutrality, neither wanting nor fearing to be around alcohol, I am truly sorry for your plight. I found true freedom in the steps and fellowship of AA. I drank a fifth of vodka every day for 13 years, and within a month of going to AA, the obsession was lifted from me. If you are white knuckling it, give the steps a try.

2
AbsoluteRascalOP202 days•

I appreciate your input! AA is not for me, but I'm glad you'e found a safe haven there.

1