As someone who doesn't like poetry all that much, I think this is really cool
What stood out to me is the structure. The long sentences flow well, and have a pretty consistent cadence. The rhyming isn't in your face either, which I really like. It enhances it instead of taking attention away from the rest.
Because I'm on mobile the line breaks are uneven, with new lines in the middle of sentences, which honestly works pretty well
I do have some constructions for you, too.
In line two (my thoughts...), the first "to" should be "too".
Line three, do you mean to have "refuse refuse"
Line five, you could use an extra syllable, maybe:
Obstacles, the wrecking ships, my mind goes with the waves
Line eight, the rhythm is a little off, you could help it but adding some extra syllables after "completely" and a comma
Line nine could also use extra syllable, starting with
...is to my avail
That's all I can think of for now, I think that it's really cool that you wrote this with your girlfriend!
As someone who doesn't like poetry all that much, I think this is really cool
What stood out to me is the structure. The long sentences flow well, and have a pretty consistent cadence. The rhyming isn't in your face either, which I really like. It enhances it instead of taking attention away from the rest.
Because I'm on mobile the line breaks are uneven, with new lines in the middle of sentences, which honestly works pretty well
I do have some constructions for you, too.
In line two (my thoughts...), the first "to" should be "too".
Line three, do you mean to have "refuse refuse"
Line five, you could use an extra syllable, maybe:
Line eight, the rhythm is a little off, you could help it but adding some extra syllables after "completely" and a comma
Line nine could also use extra syllable, starting with
That's all I can think of for now, I think that it's really cool that you wrote this with your girlfriend!