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r/OCPoetry•
[deleted]

Going Saiyan (title subject to change)

Feedback Received!

[deleted]

Posted Apr 12, 2018, 6:52 PM UTC · edited

25
SameDaySameView•

Great piece it shows a lot of promise. The whole idea of taking something far fetched as gaining power in the Dragonball universe and connecting it to reality with youthful wishes is a refreshing format for a relatable poem.

 

That being said there a couple places I️ felt you fell short.

 

First off, to achieve your relation you need some sort of precursor to build of to that point of relation. In your instance - it’s reaching saiyan. Or a form of dedication that rivals so. But there is a balance of description, length, and execution (relating to the length of the overall poem) to swiftly display your point. Too short and people aren’t going to connect your two points. Too long and the poem loses strength or becomes mundane. In your instance it’s a tad too lengthy. You go too far into detail of that episode that captured your imagination when all you needed was to cap over the dedication aspect in short.

 

Secondly, capturing that childish awe and inspiration more boldly will definitely bolster up your poem’s ideas. Basically try to add more vivid detail on those raw emotions that made you want to be like Vegeta. As of now the poem seems a little too short for what (I️ feel) you’re trying to convey.

 

Whew. Other than that, great stuff! Hope this makes sense to you. I’m on mobile and can’t format correctly and look at your post at the same time. May update with an edit. Cheers!

2
Hankgio91•

Thank you so much for reading my poem! I definitely got carried away with the intro. I guess what I wanted to convey is the massive struggle that vegeta went through to attain this transcendent change. I think I can communicate this in a few lines.

I'm not sure how to go about several developing but I'll try out some ideas and repost!

1
Hen_house•

Updated Version! I tried to add more of a human context in this version, and make the poem feel more condensed at times...although i'm not sure this version is any better!

I never thought
about going Super Saiyan 
until Andrew called me
a faggot after practice, 
gripping the tape 
of his aluminum stick 
like a eunuch’s pole
and laughing like a jackal. 

I felt that I should 
throw a punch,
dig my cleats into 
the grass and show 
him how it feels
to get hurt by a Saiyan. 

But I just walked away, 
joining in on the chorus 
of laughter.  

I was never a Saiyan anyways. 

But somedays, 
I wished that I could
bludgeon myself  
against asteroid fields.

Wished that I could train
like Vegeta in 400x gravity, 
bloodying my fists in rock shard impacts 
until the sheddings of my former self 
melted in the flames of a supernova.

But I never knew
how many asteroids I could 
endure.

Never wondered 
what could be lost
in the fire,
or if I would vaporize 
in the heat of impact;
never wondered
if gold could be sifted
from the ashes of my bones.
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colorblooms•

I feel this is overwritten; if you just had basically the first and last stanzas, the reader could fill in the gap and it would be thereby more effective.

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Hen_house•

I totally get what you're saying. It feels a bit mundane at times-- loses the emotional resonance.

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