Yes! Good!

Whow!

Ok, maybe put 'down' at the end of the previous line. Too cliche you know.

Ok, flow can do with work. Speak it out loud, in a way that you can hear the linebreaks. Would you still make the same decisions about which words belong on what line?

Pretty good man! Just a challenge, you may want to combine some sentences and make it shorter. Some more colorful adjectives and lines that hit the heart.

Yeah I like it. As another said, I think you can combine some lines.

Here's how I would edit:


You could have danced  
in my eyes without moving  
a single limb.  
And so I never let you.    
I hoarded you  
like a spoil of war  
from a bomb-ridden town.  
I kept you  
in a cage  
and brought you out  
when I needed you.  
But the caged bird sings loudest.  
Beats its head against the bars   
knowing what weightless flight lies  
beyond the yellow jail.  
And like a bird in a cage  
you didn’t seem to mind  
when the unlocked door fell open  
and you tumbled down.  
Twirling pirouette of feathers  
and flailing ruby hair  
the crescendo of a bird song  
on your lips.  
You may not have flown  
but you danced  
all the way  
down.   

I would remove the bit about hoarding and the spoils of war completely. The rest of the poem references a caged bird and flows. This bit sticks out and nothing else returns to it again. And when you begin your reference to the caged bird, you may want to remove "But" so that this metaphor starts out strong and with emphasis. *"The caged bird sings loudest."*

 Dancing All the Way Down  


You could have danced  
in my eyes without moving  
a single limb.   
And so I never let you.  
I wanted to hoard you  
like a spoil of war  
a treasure from a bomb-ridden town.  
I wanted to keep you  
in a cage or maybe a box  
and bring you out  
when I needed you.  
But the caged bird sings loudest.  
Beats its head against the bars  
of isolation, knowing what  
weightless flight lies  
just beyond the yellow jail.  
And like a bird in a cage  
you didn’t seem to mind  
when the unlocked door fell open  
and you went tumbling down.  
Twirling pirouette of feathers  
and flailing ruby hair  
the crescendo of a bird song  
on your scarlet painted lips.  
You may not have flown  
but you danced  
all the way  
down.  


https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8cd9mk/comment/dxeluyq

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8b67fc/comment/dx4lw9r


Dancing All The Way Down