Source
r/OCPoetry•
hesaidhelovesmeso

morning breath

Feedback Received!

I always loved you best

in the mornings -

hair down, freckles askinder -

when your fingers curled over mine

without trapping me there,

when you didn't ask me to stay

but I wanted to

 

Before the world demanded us to be

who we were,

and we could be

anything -

Before we opened our eyes

and recognized our anxieties

in each others' faces -

 

In those moments,

with your breath promising nothing but another,

I think I must have told you I loved you

with the backs of my feet on your thigh

 

I think I must have told you how beautiful you were

when you were sure no one was watching

1 2

Posted Apr 23, 2018, 2:39 PM UTC

377
ymfas•

Ahh, this is love in its finest form. A flower blooming in its natural state. Your poem is simple yet your emotions deliver succinctly. I hope she was very pleased to receive this poem.

4
whipplemynipple•

I also love this poem a lot. I shared it with a friend, I liked it that much. The spacing your use really gives the poem a quiet, paced feel. Like the way you’d whisper to the person in bed next to you before you were totally awake. More than anything, the simplicity and structuring of the poem beautifully create a mood that is hard to capture in words. Absolutely well done.

3
Casual_Gangster•

The first two lines of this piece seem awfully familiar.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/7az8zn/i_always_loved_you_most_in_the_morning/

I don't know if you read that but even if you did it's fine if you just used that as inspiration. This piece definitely strays from the one I linked in theme and structure heavily. I think the ending stanzas could use some work because currently, in my opinion, they lack impact.

You say that "I think I must have told you" You don't remember?

I also think that you should add some more imagery about the girl because right now there isn't a great image of the scene being painted. As a reader, I want to know why you wanted to stay. Anyways, thanks for posting, I enjoyed reading! Have a wonderful day.

3
coloctaire•

Wow. This poem made my heart flutter and yearn.

3
neverlater•

I love this. I think it's brilliant.

Likely me lacking but i don't know the world "askinder".

"In those moments, with your breath promising nothing but another, I think I must have told you I loved you with the backs of my feet on your thigh" - this is one of the best lines i've ever read.

Thanks for sharing.

2
fREestyl•

From what I can tell, askinder doesn't seem to be an existing word. It's not in the OED if that means anything.

1
Daedalus90•

I like this. Definitely evokes familiar emotions. The flow was a bit rough through, could be great if you work that out.

1