500ug of LSD, Annihilation and Rebirth

So I've been meaning to document this experience for a while but haven't gotten around to it. I'm not the most prolific writing and I hate writing about myself, but here goes.

I went with a group of friends to a desert area national park for a weekend. One day was devoted to tripping. There were a total of six of us, with four of us tripping and the other two staying sober. As the most experienced, I planned on taking 5 tabs advertised by the source as 105ug. The doses everyone else took are not relevant.

We all took the tabs at around 1pm. I took all five and could not find a comfortable space in my mouth to hold them, as I had not detached them first. So I chewed them up and swallowed after maybe 15 minutes.

I felt the first alerts around the 30 minute mark, noticing my body feeling a little heavy and the texture of the wood ceiling being to warp and breath. After maybe 20-30 minutes of this, I got up and went to use the restroom. Upon coming out, I decided I didn't want to sit down again and went outside. The place we were staying had a huge yard that surrounded the house, and was fenced in. I wandered around, looking at the trees and rocks, when I suddenly decided for some reason to leave the property.

It's around here that my sense of time and narration really dies out. For some period of time, I wandered around the area, which was mostly desert with some other properties around. I didn't see any other people this entire time, but I did see some horses. It's hard to describe my mental state. I could see, but my mind could not make sense of the colors and shapes to associate them with an environment. I couldn't remember how I got here, how long I had been here, and who I even was. In fact, I didn't "remember" because the act of remembering implies that there was a past time when you experienced something to be recalled in the present time. Time and memory had no meaning to me at the time. On top of that, looking back I realize there was no internal dialogue. The voice in your head that narrates your life as you live it, was gone. I was essentially an empty shell. I was totally lost, physically and mentally.

At some point I saw a gray object, and figures emerge from it. They made sounds and I felt a familiarity with that sound, and went towards them. The figures took me and put me inside the gray object which was a car, and drove me somewhere. In retrospect they were my sober friends who had realized I was gone and hunted me down, but at the time I could not make sense of who they were. They brought me back to the house.

After wandering a bit and talking to one of my friends, I was suddenly confronted with what I can only describe as an enormous, terrifying white light of annihilation. I froze in the face of this undulated white light that looked down at me from inside me. I was overwhelmed with terror but not fear, I felt like I was face to face with the end of existence. Not death but the pure void. Annihilation is really the best word I can use to describe it. I was pure, powerful and indescribably beautiful. I felt that if I took one more step it would consume me completely and I would not exist. I gave in, stepped forward into the light and completely lost myself.

At some point, I found myself staggering into the house. I realized I still existed, and there were people here. Some of them tried to talk to me, but they made no sense. I had the thought that they were all a simulation, and I tried to mentally make them go away. When they didn't I announced "Good news, I just tried to kill you all and it didn't work so you must be real." That confused them lol. I couldn't shake the feeling that nothing was real. Looking back, I have a theory. Reality is something experienced by your conscious mind as presented to it by your sub conscious mind (your senses). So in a way, your conscious is in "the matrix" so to speak in that it is hooked up to your body that feeds it information, a kind of "simulation." That's my theory anyway, but at the time I wasn't thinking about it.

I looked at one of my sober friends and asked him "What am I?" I could recall thinking he was an anchor, someone to be trusted. From that point, I asked him a series of questions "what is a human? Am I a man or woman? what is a man and what is a woman? what is my name?" etc etc, basically piecing together my identity one part at a time. I also asked him how long it's been, and had to relearn what time mean't, as in hours relating to the rotation of the Earth. I had the feeling of being surrounded by legos, each people a part of my self, and having to reconstruct it again.

Suddenly, and when I say suddenly I mean SUDDENLY, I awoke. The second my sense of self came back, I was FUCKING AWAKE. I can only describe that energy as raw, unfiltered, human rage and ecstasy of being alive. I ran outside and roared into the mountains. I was not only alive, I was naked (not literally), pure, and REBORN. Imagine a baby boy being born into a 30 year old man's body, I was fucking EXCITED. I wanted to run, yell, throw, tear and fuck, to push my new body to it's limits, to try out all it's functions. I realized that the white light was inside me, powering me, that God had taken up inside my body and given me life. My mind was clear and sharp, totally articulate except I was speaking rather quickly. I felt triumphant, like the first man must have felt when he invented fire, like a newborn baby screaming into the massive world for the first time. I was brand new, powerful, totally free of all past sin and misdeed. I realized that today was the day to start anew, that I could be anything or anyone right now if I chose it. It was like being born on the day God created the universe, and seeing it happen before me. Again, looking back I feel like what I was experiencing was my conscious mind making contact with my subconscious again, and suddenly being flooded with information and making sense of it after what felt like an eternity.

All in all this was about 4 hours. For the next 8-10 hours I slowly came down to what was a normal LSD trip. I had the OEVs, CEVs, appreciation for music etc etc, pretty typical stuff so I won't go into it. This post has gone on long enough lol.