confession

tell me, Mary,
am i speaking loud enough?
is my praise worthy enough for you?
Father tells me to keep the faith
but i’m having trouble
because i don’t think you can hear me.

i was wondering if you could put in a good word to your son for me?

i think this is unfair
what did i do?
i forgot a bedtime prayer or two when i was nine
but mom told me i didn’t have to pray
because you and God loved me anyway

and you’re supposed to listen to your parents, right?
isn’t that one of the commandments?
i must confess i don’t know them by heart
but i know that your son listened to you.
maybe he still does
so, Mary
how about that good word?

is it because i don’t know the commandments?
is it because i don’t know what days God made what in Genesis?
is it because my memory of the Old Testament is hazy at best?
is it because when Mr. Lewis asked me what Yahweh meant, i didn’t know?

i think i deserve an explanation
or a reason why
because Father won’t give me a good one

he says it’s all a part of God’s plan
and that he loves me in spite of it
that God loves me in spite of my “affliction”

Mary, why can’t i stop crying?
why does this feel like a death sentence
and why do people rush to do everything they can
to cure every other sickness
except for mine?

all Father had to say was,
“follow God’s word and he will lead you to the light”
i didn’t know i was living in darkness until now
but i guess that makes sense
because the Devil tested Eve with darkness
so maybe God took a page from his book

if this is a test, how do i pass?
Mary, i memorized the commandments
and i know that on the third day God made the ocean
and i know all about the twelve plagues of Egypt
but i must confess i still don’t know what Yahweh means

Mary, Father tells me to love myself
because God does too
and as long as i don’t stray from his light
i can still be saved
but i thought you had to be baptized to be saved
and i was never baptized.

is it because i wasn’t baptized?

i promise i’ll get baptized
and i promise that i’ll learn what Yahweh means
and i’ll do whatever you want
i swear that i’ll do whatever it fucking takes
because i’m too young to know that one day i will die in sin

please, Mary, i just want a sign that you hear me
because it’s been so long but it hasn’t stopped
if i prayed to you fifteen times then
i was supposed to become like everybody else
but that didn’t happen
and i finally learned what Yahweh meant but it still didn’t go away.

Yahweh means “I am.”

Father told me that means that God is all of us
and if God is me, then why am i wrong?
does that mean God was wrong?
he can’t be wrong, Mary,
please tell me he can’t be wrong.

because the closest i’ve ever felt to God was when i first realized i was sick
and before i knew that being sick was bad.

please don’t hate me for saying this Mary but i don’t think God was wrong.

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