Source
r/OCPoetry•
Sandman96

Blue and Black Butterflies

Feedback Received!

Blue and black butterflies

beat their wings

in the belly of my soul,

blowing brisk breezes

through the empty spaces

between badly bruised bones

 

The whistle of their winds

echoes of wistful wishes,

woven with water-colored threads,

and thoughts of being wrapped

in the warmth of your whispers

 

In absence of your breathless kisses,

my heartbeats belt broken ballads,

and their bass now bellows

in the bitter blackness

where my butterflies

were once bright orange.

1

2

Posted Jun 1, 2018, 9:06 PM UTC

52
Titties_Androgynous•

I see it's already been mentioned, but your use of alliteration helps to drive home the emotion of the piece. I also appreciate that you were able to expand upon the cliche of "butterflies in the stomach" and really make it your own. Nice work! Keep writing!

3
primusjlune•

Oh wow, okay---I love all the alliteration. The "Blue and Black", like black and blue bruises is a very nice touch. The sounds of the letters really drive the point home, how the "B's" sound really blunt and hurtful at the start, the "wh's" really do sound like whispers, and the "B's" at the end go from shattered to wistful.

Could the bright orange butterflies have been monarchs? If so, then the whole foul tasting, poisonous deal that goes with the bright orange wings of the monarch sends a message about the speaker's relationship with the person who left.

At first I thought to give feedback on the pacing/line breaks but, after rereading a few times, I believe they're all perfect as is. Only other feedback is to maybe lose the comma after stanza 2, line 9. It feels like a bit of a break in the continuity. Still, it's really small, so if you feel it's essential there then please carry on.

Keep writing, dear poet!

2