Source
r/DnDGreentext•
MalevolentDM

How to be a DnD Swat Team

Short

> Be a half elf thief in a smugglers guild

> just hanging out in our underground bunker, playing cards with my half orc pal Regi

> drinking a bit, just passing the time till our watch

> Brumla is snoring in the cot in the other room, damn loud dwarves

> hear thump in tunnel outside door.

> "What's that?"

> "Esreial, i'm not stupid, you gonna fold or what?"

> "No, shut up, i heard somethin..."

> "It's probably just polonius rollin around. that gnome always screws around on watch."

> "I think we should check it out, regi."

> "Don't be ridiculous. He's got an alarm spell on the hatch, so we would have heard something if an-"

> DOOR BREAKS OPEN

> Adult Grizzly bear pounces on Regi, starts mauling his throat out

> WTF IS A BEAR DOING IN OUR BUNKER?!

> Human with a bow steps out behind him, *plink* *plink*

> GAH, UAAGHH

> Two arrows right in my chest, oh the blood.... i feel cold...

> slip onto the floor beneath the table.

> Regi is screaming. I see his flesh in the bears mouth

> magic darts fly into him... he stops screaming.

> turn to look up

> figure is standing over me. classic armor and markings of the city of Arkport

> Feel the crossbow bolt levied against my forehead

> oh pelor... they found us...

> blackness

--

> Be DM

> Surprise round ends

> players high fiving around table

> Druid drops out of wildshape

> Gloomstalker moves hunters mark

> War Caster gets line of sight

> Fighter reloads crossbow.

> "We walk over to the dwarf in the cot"

> Develop phobia of my players in real life

Posted Jun 20, 2018, 3:37 PM UTC

1.7K46
BroMandoFett•

Bears doing Bear things.

508
MalevolentDMOP"Are you sure you want to do that?"•

*Druids doing bear things

389
Qarthos•

If their preferred nomenclature is "OH GOD, A BEAR!?" then that is their perogative and it is my responsibility to respect that.

203
LostsonofplutoHeat Metal.fuck you•

Can confirm

Sorce: play druid. Although prefer a good Polar bear or Giant Elk over Grizzly

20
SouthamptonGuild•

Owlbear was my go to in 13th Age. Cleaned up the cobwebs in corridors as a fluffy murdershadow.

22
EarlNeonCogKobold Arcane Trickster•

*Bears doing Druid things.

8
BearDrivingACar•

Like driving?

19
daehx•

Oh my god, Bear is driving! How can that be?

16
SuaveBanana•

I suggest you go have a look at a game called Enviro-Bear, now that is how a bear drives

16
brownhues•

Big American Party! Everybody disco dancing!

8
M42productions•

Not Pikachu, please don't sue!

2
lenisnoreI just like Aleifir, ok?•

No, like drinking urine

2
ahegao_emoji•

Doing Stuff Bears Do https://youtu.be/jKN58Dy01CE

2
MrPervsanYisar Blackblade•

I'd love to hear them end that whole thing with, "CLEAR! Set up breaching charge!"

283
MalevolentDMOP"Are you sure you want to do that?"•

Well when they were opening the hatch to the tunnels, the wizard fireballed the room before i had a chance to describe it

215
staples16•

The room is small and..

Burned. I cast fireball let's move on

297
psymonilla•

"I didn't ask how big the room was, I said I cast fireball"

75
Pleased_to_meet_u•

Of all the comments in the thread, this is the one that got me to laugh out loud.

:-D

42
Toramak•

Fuse? Did you check for hostages first?

39
RC_5213•

If he dies, he dies.

31
Electric999999•

That's what breath of life is for.

11
MusicMole•

Yes.

5
charden_sama•

"What hostage?😏"

1
poolpartyziggyziggs•

I see you are one of my players

5
funkyb•

Retconned kerosene storage time!

35
MalevolentDMOP"Are you sure you want to do that?"•

what do i look like? a u/MalevolentDM?

oh... wait...

45
CrossSlashEx•

FUZE THE DWARFS, LEAVE NO HOSTAGES BEHIND

19
AeonsShadow•

Not until they get the information they need...

2
TheGreenJedi•

I turned the table on two players who respond with swat tactics even though they are lvl 2 characters

(Seems like they are both min-maxers, they like playing solo on an almost weekly basis)

So they get ready one opens the door the other one readies a shot, o describe the back of someones head, tell them to roll for initiative, deliberately fail for the NPC, both players get thier surprise round, kill humble Butler, search the body and find 12 gold pieces and a poorly written letter from a son

The horrific look on this bubbly wild magic sorcerer, priceless as I described the simple nature of the Butler in a mansion.. ahhh priceless

131
benmaks•

By the divines

95
SlowSeas•

The hobo god wills it.

24
koda43•

Assault! Assault!

12
TheDapperPenguin17•

Amazing

74
_trolly_mctrollface_•

Having been a player and DM in similar situations I have to say this is pure nostalgic endorphins.

52
Pun-Master-General•

D&D SWAT tactics are always fun. In a previous campaign, my party ended up briefly allying with an NPC who worked as an inquisitor for the local religion while we were investigating a cult. We had some fun kicking in doors (and making "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" jokes) for a couple of sessions.

36
ChucklesTheWerewolf•

No Kawaii-Desu Anime Assassin girl in a latex bodysuit? I'm surprised.

24
Marmeladimonni•

That's what you are expecting from a swat team? You must have had some interesting experiences with law enforcement. Please don't tell me that the username is relevant.

29
CunningAllusionment•

Be a 50 foot diameter spherical underground room with weird gravity and about 40 myconids.

Have one entrance.

Have 8 myconid sovereigns clustered around the entrance upside down on the ceiling (like I said, weird gravity), ready to spore cloud anything that comes down the stairs.

Be a pair of 5th level wizards outside, looking down the ladder into the room.

Be a 5th level conquest paladin with Dragon Fear.

One wizard holds feather fall, Paladin holds Dragon Fear.

Other wizard fireballs the center of the room catching everything, killing or bloodying everything. Paladin, other paladin, rogue jump in the hole, wizard casts feather fall, paladin Dragon Fears near the center of the room on his way down. Almost everything is afraid and bloody.

Two familiars, both with dragon's breath fly in and help mop up.

Players breach and clear a room then HALO jump into it.

21
Risen_Hayz•

I've been part of an 3.5 urban bounty hunter game that's been going off and on for a while. One of our favorite tactics was to have the fighter tank with a huge sledgehammer (which the dm gave bonuses to breaking in doors) and the ranger take the front door. While they're in position the alchemist and rogue take the back. If there isn't a back door the alchemist had devised a "breaker brick" which was basically a brick of c4, except it triggered something like a 20x10x5 wall of 'disintigrate' to make a back door. We caught quite a few targets with swat breach entries.

10
Helmote•

what a plot twist

9
DoctorVonBatman•

It's not u/felixlavulpe, but this is one of the funniest plot-twist entries I've read on this sub. Well done.

8
MalevolentDMOP"Are you sure you want to do that?"•

i'm honored by the comparison

6
bonjellu•

The fuck a greentext story from the perspective of NPCs? damn lmao that's fucking nuts :D

2