Update: she thinks she's Satan and is avoiding me to save me from her
Hi guys!
I posted about my situation a couple of months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/8bh0ox/im_new_here_new_to_all_of_this/
Quite soon after that post she saw that something was up with me - I was reading the book "Walking on Eggshells" and she could tell that I was upset. So I broke down and told her what's going on and that she probably has BPD. A few hours later she had taken every "do I have BPD?" test online and come to the conclusion that yes, this would explain a lot of things. And she bought a book on BPD, went to see a psychiatrist and is scheduled to start weekly therapy in a couple of months. She felt like she finally had a change to get a grip of herself and be the mother and girlfriend that her son and I deserve. So pretty good stuff, very encouraging. I also learned a lot of new skills from the Walking on Eggshells book and I'm now immune to at least the most blatant manipulation tactics.
During these past two weeks the excitement has faded away a bit, she's raged at me and her son, she's still trying to control everything, doesn't tolerate stupid questions and doesn't take responsibility for the smaller stuff that bothers me but not her. I've still been happier than before because I've started to take my life back, but I've also been more distant to her both spiritually and physically. So two days ago she got mad at me for not being happier and more affectionate and not seeing the positive steps that she's taken. Then I explained to her how the past few weeks have gone from my point of view, and that even if they went perfectly I can't just erase our traumatic past and pretend like everything's fine now. I also have a lot of stuff to work on and it's going to take time.
Of course she started crying and yelling, then curled up in a fetal position on the couch, etc. Previously I probably would've felt bad and tried to comfort her but now I just let her be - I didn't have the energy to do what I was supposed to do. So she left the house, tells me that it's my house now and she doesn't deserve me or her son and is very apologetic. Previously there would've been suicide threats but not this time so I guess there's some progress.
To be honest I almost feel nothing. I think I've become so cold or maybe exhausted that her suffering doesn't trigger any reaction in me anymore. I could save the relationship (for now) or I could put a definitive end on it but instead I'm just doing some work and going to the movies. I'm still optimistic that she will commit to therapy and it will result in good things but I don't know how to make myself like and respect her again.
Posted Jun 24, 2018, 1:48 PM UTC
I know how hard it is on you and I don't blame you at all. I just want to say that I feel sorry for your gf. She really seems to be trying if she bought a book on BPD, booked a psychologist herself and is taking active steps to fix things. I think you two need a break away from each other so you can both fix yourselves first before tackling a relationship. If you find out that you don't want to be with her after this break, that's okay. The break will soften the impact to her and make it easier for you to leave.
I really am proud and was surprised by how well she took it when I told her that she might have BPD. She was actually afraid that she would not get the diagnosis because she's been in therapy before and the previous therapists have just told her that there's nothing wrong with her. But now she has an official diagnosis and will get treatment which is great. And I know she doesn't want to hurt anyone. I can't see her starting a smear campaign or making false accusations if we broke up.
But the relationship is still so volatile that it's almost impossible to just hang in there and hope that things will get better over time. I know that I would do well mentally and financially if we broke up but I feel so bad for her - her life would be really tough if she lived alone with the kid.
And you shouldn't hang in there, you should do what's right for you now. As another comment pointed out, they often don't seek therapy to change, but so you don't leave them. People don't change unless they truly want it. And even if they do want to change, it takes years before even small improvements are visible.
On the flip side, though, it seems like this is sadly a common thread here. I remember a post from a few months ago where a man's wife was mistreating one of his sons horribly, and she felt that because she had been trying to be better, it should be enough.