Source
r/OCPoetry•
kgaus27

The Power of Persuasion

Feedback Received!

The women crooned,

While he sank his schooners.

They stroked his slender arms,

Chortling before his charms.

/

I approached the demure man,

And extended my hand.

His pimply face peered at me with appraisal,

When he finally spoke his notes were nasal.

/

“Yes?” he enquired.

The situation was dire.

His interest was waning,

His harem was far more entertaining.

/

“I just have one question.”

He blessed me with attention.

“And what would that be?”

“There is something you must tell me.”

/

“How is it that a man of such youth,

Who’s speech is so uncouth,

Who’s threads are so tattered,

Who’s mane is so matted,”

/

“How can it be?”

“That the women worship you but not me?”

The man smiled with a shine in his eye.

“I’ll buy you a drink and tell you why.”

/

“I possess the power of persuasion.”

“I can wield it during any occasion.”

“Because I am smarter than anyone in this bar.”

“Because I have a huge house and I have a cool car.”

/

“Because I have worked hard.”

“Because I have this card.”

The logo on the card showed him to be a banker,

His shit-eating grin showed him to be a wanker.

/

Sensing my change of heart,

The man continued to impart,

The secrets of success.

“Allow me to digress.”

/

“I must stress,

That I do not think less,

Of those without status or wealth.

For I also understand the pain of the hands we are dealt.”

/

“I understand the pressure of a loan,

So I always throw my customers a bone.”

“I understand the pressure of bad credit,

So if you bank with me you won’t regret it.”

/

“Because I understand you,

And I promise I will do,

My absolute best,

To help you stress less.”

/

The man ended his speech with a wink.

He signalled for two more drinks.

“So is that your theory?”

The man smiled at my query.

/

“It is not merely because I have money,

Nor because my words are honeyed.”

“It is not because I assuage their anxiety,

Nor because my life has possessed any piety.”

/

“You see,

it is smart to seek a man like me.”

“To adhere to my advice,

Buy me drinks and act real nice.”

/

For a successful man’s friends,

Can use his success for their own ends.”

He ordered two more beers,

He had me grinning from ear to ear.

/

He returned the smile,

Nodding whimsically all the while,

“I know you want my wisdom.”

“To learn the secrets to my kingdom.”

/

“Ethos, pathos, logos.”

“The words mean nothing to most.”

“But endeavour to employ them efficiently,

And you will persuade people just as proficiently.”

/

I thanked the man and sculled my glass.

Behind his appearance he certainly was all class.

Without a word he withdrew from the stool,

With a sly grin he played it cool.

/

Spinning on his heel he departed swiftly.

In that moment I realised how thrifty,

The strange man had been.

The bartender was looking mean.

/

“Your friend didn’t pay for his drinks.”

“I am not his friend despite what you think.”

“You must pay or you don’t leave this bar!”

I sadly acquiesced and handed him my card.

/

My friends there is a lesson to be learned.

A person’s trust must be earned.

Don’t believe artificial claims,

You never understand their true aims.

/

He didn’t really have a cool car,

But he was the smartest man in that bar.

If you fall for persuasion just like me,

Some wanker in your bar will drink for free.

/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8u4xtf/to_see_through_your_eyes/e1f61k4/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8u6hvf/halfseconds/e1d1wwb/

Posted Jul 2, 2018, 3:02 AM UTC

719
Consecratiiion•

It's very nice, and has a good impact.

It also manages to be humorous, and not take itself too seriously.

2
kgaus27OP•

Thanks!

1
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
kgaus27OP•

Thank you!

1
spitwitandwater•

Your adjectives make me uncomfortable, chortled, crooned. This poem sounds desperate and too personal. Try writing it from the female perspective, you may be able to distance yourself from the subject better.

1
kgaus27OP•

Thankyou for your feedback. I disagree with it, however, because you are conflating the author with the narrator. The narrator is a desperate and frustrated man talking to a stranger in a bar about how to pickup women and be successful. The poem is narrated from his perspective, so naturally words such as crooned, and most egregiously the word harem, will be used. These are the words that that character would use. Just because my character uses them doesn't mean that I would use them personally, or that I have any personal experience with the events of the poem. Also, the suggestion to write from a female perspective seems odd as it would completely defy the point of the poem. The only way that would fit would be if I changed both characters into women and described nearby men derogatively which I presume would make you equally uncomfortable?

2
spitwitandwater•

Your poem begs for sympathy, very one-sidedly. You should write in a way so your reader will empathize with your character not sympathize for him. It’s good practice to slip humor into sad or serious moments, for the sake of the reader. I think you did that at the end of one stanza and it was pretty successful. But This felt like reading the diary of an incel. And the experience of writing from the other point of view was to have u gain insight into the flat female characters in your story. I don’t like to assume but you write like a young scorned man. And please correct me if I am wrong.

1
kgaus27OP•

I feel that what you are describing validates my poem. I intended to write a poem from the perspective of a character who in this case is a whiny, low self-esteem man in a bar. The fact that you feel it was like reading the diary of an incel means that I was able to successfully narrate this narrative from the perspective of the character I created. Also, there is not a particular way that a story must be written, the reader may empathise or sympathise with the protagonist. The protagonist does not have to be 'good' or likeable. Many, more realistic stories, will have flawed protagonists. As for me, I am a young man, though I am not at all scorned. The perspective of this character is not my own and by writing him I have gained an insight into how an incel with confidence issues might feel. I could write about the female characters, but in this instance they are not particularly relevant to the plot, they are merely the instigator for the conversation between the two men. All stories have peripheral characters, they cannot all be fleshed out. I do wonder if it is the fact that they are female that makes you feel that they warrant exploration. If the story was about him having male friends around him instead would you feel the same need to have their insight explored?

1
spitwitandwater•

Both your characters feel fake and stereotypical. The dialog is clunky and feels forced. The rhyme scheme is too predictable and reads like a kids poem. DR Suessy. Try some internal rhyme and more slant rhyme. Don’t be so defensive of criticism, instead take it or leave it. If you had to explain yourself to me with two large paragraphs maybe your poem could use some flushing out. Or maybe I’m wrong. Either way I can’t tell the point of your poem. Is it that people should be careful who they trust. Or are we supposed to recognize that your protagonist cannot self reflect and understand that his personality is creating his problems with women.

And btw I just posted my first poem, so go ahead and tear it apart haha

And I share the narrators opinion on bankers

0
ChefTeo•

I think this person gave horrible feedback. They are just asking you to write a different poem.

1
ChefTeo•

I don't like this feedback at all. You Re just asking him to write a different poem.

1
spitwitandwater•

I asked him to try writing an additional poem, as practice to have him explore both perspectives.

I thought it could help round out his characters in this poem.

If you have never tried to write from the perspective of a different gender/race, or hell species you are not challenging yourself to grow as a writer.

And how delicate we have become that you can’t handle the critique of a piece of poetry, that you didn’t even write.

1
ChefTeo•

I am just simply saying that "write a different poem" isnt a valid criticism of a poem. You accept the poem on its own merits and then help the person accomplish those merits where they have fallen short.

You wouldn't go to a hockey game and say they should be using wickets. But you might tell someone how to better strategize and execute in the game of hockey.

1
spitwitandwater•

Look above you, every critique of this poem is mine. I took time to write and respond to his ideas. And I made no assertions about your writing habits. But I have now looked at some of your writing. And it speaks for itself.

1