20 year old Male. Letting it all out there.

Hello, here's my story.

I am a student at university and I have moved countries. I stayed in my home country for all my life (19 years) before I moved to my current country to pursue my academic interests. Now, in my home country the issue is, its very repressed. So, you generally don't approach girls, at least very directly. And with that in my mind, I always felt like a creep if I did overtly go upto a girl and chatted because that was not something you would do in my home country. That was something I started getting over in my current country.

Now, due to my misfortune I made a "friend" in the beginning of my first year at uni who was kind of a jerk. I was a new student in a new country and so I didn't take too much offense at anything, so what ended up happening was: one time he edited my facebook messages about a high school girl I was tutoring to say that she was 12 and that I had sex with her. He then made it a meme and kinda bullied me with that for a few months, I didn't think too much of it except I was annoyed so I didn't do anything. After a point, I put my foot down and did let him know it wasn't cool so he stopped. Meanwhile, I was getting bored with my usual porn and I had this obsession with older women, so I went from that to MILFs and there to Mom-Son incest porn. When porn seemed to scripted, I went to roleplaying on reddit and there I subscribed to AgeplayPenPals because my fantasy was to be a 13-15 boy who has sex with his mom/teacher/older woman. Now, as the situation stands, on that subreddit everyone is supposed to be 18+ and just roleplaying, and most of the posts are guys looking for a partner or women looking to play younger, and since I couldn't find what I was looking for exactly often, I turned to roleplaying with these women who wanted to play younger girls (playing around 13-16) just because I didn't think too much of it and was horny as fuck. I did a few roleplays of dad-daughter and others, some kinda rough, some sensual depending on my partner's preference but thats beside the point. It was like porn, but I was writing it. I didn't feel that I was attracted to actual young girls. I stopped that back in April and haven't done that since.

Just last Thursday, I came back from a trip and had been unproductive so I wasn't feeling too well. I went for a soccer game on the fields and just beside the fields there was field hockey training going on for high-school girls(I assume) but they were definitely not younger than 14-15. I just glanced over at their field and I remembered my roleplays and I was filled with guilt about how I thought about some one that age having sex with their father, and I was disgusted by myself.

I have been filled with guilt, shame and anxiety ever since. I looked up possible symptoms which in some sense matched with POCD and I was afraid of going in environments like beaches and amusement parks where you would find people that age range, or even kids because I felt like I would be a threat to them. I tried ERP and made it a point to not be afraid of kids and notice them and see my reactions, I didn't feel anything significantly arousing, if anything just the focus on seeing if I was aroused would cause a strange tingling but no erection etc. Its similar with preteens, but the girls who have more developed womanly characteristics kinda confuse me, because on one hand I think they are attractive but then the thought that they might be underage turns me off.

The last few days have been hell, battling with myself on these intrusive thoughts, I don't get sleep(its 3:52AM as I write this), I am scared, and maybe depressed. I know I will never do anything even remotely threatening but then again I worry, "What if I do?". Any help would be appreciated, if not, it feels better to get this off my chest for one.