Ex girlfriend, benefits, life changing ? Stop rejecting higher feelings on temporary pleasures

Hello nofap community, I would like to share with you my story, my own true story of my life. I’m not quite sure why am I writing this to you, maybe I’m looking for some to talk, maybe to give you something - other point of view. Sorry for my lack of English it’s not my common language.

I’m normal random guy. I’m pretty smart, ended engineering studies I got lotta of friends and from background I’m seen as very positive person. Only problem I only got was always with girls. It’s not that I didn’t had one, but I couldn’t be emotional connected with any, never.

I’ve started porn in my very young age ~12/13 y.o. As you all know it was fun I was enjoying it so much. Years were going and going when I was 22 I broke up with my fourth gf. Why ? I will tell you

I won’t talk about my all relationships but will come across it to the end of them With my last gf started happening the same thing as happen with last ones. I didn’t want to “do anything” no flowers just for free, avoiding to tell that I lover her. I was bad. I was even M to P while being with her and she was hot. I couldn’t stand up on him and I was always telling my self that its cuz of alcohol, cuz of cigarettes, bad diet. I was watching P because she was stupid, because she didn’t turn me on, because P was giving me much more dopamine fun. I was starting to watch harder and harder P I even had feelings that I’m gay! Yes ! I was panic, depressed about my thoughts like what the f....

We broke up it’s been a 1,5 year now. I’m still alone and I couldn’t still figure it out why. Why I’m not pushy for girls, why I’m not trying to enjoy time with any. I stopped drinking, started exercise and :) nothing. I was still emotionally dead. Man without balls to reproduce, to have fun with them.

I’ve found NoFap community 5 months ago, did lots of researches and was trying, first time, second time(...) many times let’s say. No I’m on my 36 day free in many try’s. Sometimes I felt awesome, sometimes I did not. After this 5 months I can’t feel that I’m god. That I’m someone new, no. I’m the same person i was but.. I’m aware what have I been.

I didn’t want to have time with my GF and have sex..no, I wanted to have sex and don’t share my world and time with my gf. Ive seen her as sex object just to fill my P imagination. I wanted to stop this, i want to have sex but not only. I want to see her as beautiful sexual object but in positive way. You see, you watch all that shit and you want this, you starting to become narcist, you want her to do this shit, tell her to look as they, being cold and can’t tell that you love her smile, that she’s doing you food and care for you. You don’t enjoy normal spending time because your brain want this dopamine like alcoholics can’t just talk without beer.

I just want to aware you and congratulate you. You are here, because you know. You know that it’s very bad. P is destroying many relations and thy don’t even know why. Congrats because you want to change it, you are smart, you are not ignorats, you have big predisposition to not just become alpha. You have predisposition to became the best father and husband that every girl would like to have.

I still have bad thought, I’m still in prison of P in my head. But fuck this shit, Its not worth of anything. Please leave it now and dont tell yourself „one more time and im leaving” Its fucking bullshit. Just leave it. And tell girls that you like secretly or not that you love them :) peace to you all

Ps. Just went to forest alone and wrote it all to you. It’s beautiful day today, so will be tomorrow because I want to :)