Extreme and dangerous levels of perfectionism

I have been diagnosed and medicated for bipolar II, but I think that there may be something else going on.

Please let me know if you can relate.

The pressures I feel on a daily basis overwhelm me. A specific example that I am going to vent about is my academic performance.

There is nothing else that I would like to do with my life other than being a physician. And I am on the cusp of being a decent applicant. Due to shitty circumstances, my future depends on me making straight As, from this point forward, period. There were multiple instances of trauma in my early 20s, so I moved away from where I lived and took three years off of school.

And now I feel like my potential is capped. Because now with how my life has changed (kid, work, constant noise, no alone time, and rent and bills) everything is so much more difficult. Like what seemed so easy for me before is now taking so much out of me. And like, I feel like I sacrifice so much for mediocrity on all ends. I took off so time from work and ended up broke to prepare for a calculus test that I know I didn't do as well as I should've on. That kills me.

I know that this is stupid, pathetic and irrational. I was having suicidal thoughts again, for the first time in a while, as I was walking home from school after my test. I think I may have made myself sick from how disappointed I am with myself and how much I broke down earlier.

I am just so sad right now you guys. I want to just give up so fucking badly.

I know that my extreme levels of perfectionism isn't a symptom of my bipolar disorder, but I do think that my fear of failure and uncertainty of the future triggers severe depressive episodes.